2nd Annual Crushies!!

Discussion in 'Thread Archive' started by JQwon13, Dec 30, 2011.

  1. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2010
    Messages:
    4,170
    2nd Annual Crushies


    {A sky cam zooms down to the scene below. An array of flashing lights and dancing girls create an elaborate show outside a large auditorium building. Cameras flash as the media gathers outside the velvet robes of the red carpet and the camera zooms into the shows host, Dick Harding)

    Dick: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to tonight's grand festivities! If you enjoyed last season's production, we aim to exceed that with this season's extravaganza. We're here at the 2nd annual Crushy award ceremony and the best and brightest of The Orange Crush League are starting to arrive. And here comes Coach -Cougars- now.

    {Camera turns to show Cougars stepping out of his limo in a well tailored purple suit with a purple top hat. He begins to walk up the red carpet, but then stops, runs back to the limo. He tosses his purple hat inside and pulls out an orange hat instead, but before walking away again he does the exchange once more and puts the purple hat back on.}

    Dick: Coach Cougars, good to see you tonight. I noticed you had some indecision about which hat to wear...

    Cougars: Yeah well to tell you the truth Dick, I prefer the Orange hat. But I figured if I wore it, I'd have to listen to Kasper and everyone bitch about my hat choice. So what if I've had the purple hat for years, I wanted a new hat.

    {A very bitter looking Coach Cougars moves past and inside. Strolling up the red carpet behind him is The Natural .}

    Dick: Natty, nice to see you here...

    The Natural: Let me stop you right there Dick. Imma let you finish, but first I'm not actually coming to this shitty awards ceremony. I just came to give a big fuck you to this league. I'm out...

    {The Natural throws up the deuces and walks back to his car with a big "Google" printed on the side.}

    Dick: Well much like his white girlfriend....He didn't actually let me finish. But moving on, here comes The Qwon alongside his starting quarterback Jacob Russell. Jacob, how'd you feel about the way the season went?

    {Dick tosses mic to Jacob}

    Jacob: Well, it was definitely an up and down season. Obviously we had some tough losses. That loss to that joke of a coach at Wake Forest was embarrassing but we really responded with some big wins over North Carolina and Wisconsin. Those were hard fought wins.

    {Jacob goes to toss the mic back to Dick but accidentally throws it five feet to the left directly to another reporter.}

    Dick: Well I guess after seeing your stats this season, I should have expected that. And here comes CoachRedd !

    {CoachRedd arrives getting a piggy back ride from his star 6'7 tight end CJ Fiedorowicz}

    Dick: CJ! CJ! What are you doing?

    CJ: Well I figured since I carried the team all season, I might as well carry my coach tonight.

    Dick: What a clever fellow. Well we're getting pretty close to kick off here so lets head up the red carpet and into the auditorium....

    [​IMG]
    {Camera enters through the front door and into the large, packed auditorium. Dick Harding is now standing on the stage and steps up to the mic}​
    Dick: Welcome everybody to tonight's show. We're going to get things started shortly before Commisioner fuzzyl0gic is too drunk to finish the show. So let's bring him on out...​
    {The lights dim and a fog covers the stage. Suddenly a hole opens up center stage and a figure slowly rises out of it in a powder blue jump suit. With his dramatic entrance, he steps to the mic}​
    Fuzzy: Good Evening OC. Now we all know what this league is really about?!?! Rules! So everyone please check the seatback in front of them. We have a whole new set of rules. It's about 250 pages long. Please review them in the presence of an attorney and sign in blood. Thank you. That is all.​
    Dick: What a fun guy he is... Now I know we have some new faces here. BPHusker is enjoying his first time at the show. Probably enjoying it more than he did his first season at Penn State. If the on-field play wasn't bad enough, he had to suffer through the Penn St showers after every home game as well. Also a special welcome out to sawemoff . And a thank you to him for not starting another "Hey There" thread. However, he does still incur the title of FNG for the time being at least until UofCWildcat reclaims the title after a semester of actually going to class. Good luck to you on your first season here...And worst case scenario, you'll still at least get a win over hornfaninbama . But moving on....​
    {Dick is interrupted by commotion as Cougars and Coach Redd disturb the people around them as they switch seats.}​
    Dick: Anyway, getting back to things at hand...​
    {Dick is interrupted once again as Cougars and Redd have apparently decided to switch back}​
    Dick: You guys done? Geez, this ceremony is becoming more of a letdown than Qwon's performance in the B1G championship. And on that note a big congrats to Philstyle3005 as he brought home the conference championship and should have a clear road to the National title in the future.​
    {Dick is interrupted again, this time by a disturbance in the back. The Natural is seen wrestling with Fuzzy and security, yelling "I want back in! I want back in!" Fuzzy tells him to go fuck himself and security escorts Natty from the premises.}​
    Dick: Everyone please remain calm. Oshiomogho you can come out from under your seat. Everything is fine.Alright let's go ahead and get started with the awards before something else happens. We're going to jump right into the best game this season. There were some terrific showdowns this year. Especially some fun ones in the ACC-B1G challenge. And of course one on the biggest stage. But this one came down to only two games receiving votes. The national championship showdown between The Natural and PhilStyle in which Natty won the natty by 2 points. Or the game that won the award last year, the clash between Purdue and Wisconsin. Wisconsin trailed by 3 with under a minute to go and had 1st and goal at the 3. But on four consecutive plays, Purdues defense rose to the challenge for the goalline stand and a 10-7 victory. And this vote ended in a landslide. A final tally of 7 votes to 2...​
    The winner for Best game this year.... And still champion....​
    Purdue-Wisconsin!!
    Dick: Congratulations to both coaches who are obviously such evenly matched adversaries. But I have a feeling that the Badgers will respond with a vengeance next season. But don't think those two coaches of the other great game will be disappointed as they both received plenty of votes in our next category. The next category is for Best Overall User this season.​
    Dick: We had a surprising amount of Coaches receive votes for this category. Kasper and Cougars each received one, meanwhile The Qwon received two. But in the end, it came down to our two national title coaches. And much like our national title game, this was a very close matchup as well.​
    And the winner for best overall user is....​
    A tie! Both The Natural and PhilStyle each received 3 votes and will get to share in this prestigious award!
    Dick: However, since we already booted the Natural out, we'll just give this bad boy to Philstyle. We hope to have a victory speech from him later regarding this award.​
    Dick: But it would be a shame for Natty to leave here empty handed. So lets give him one more shot at an award. We move on to the next category which is for The Most Hated User. Once again a lot of votes were spread around. Qwon, Cougars and Oshiomogho all received a vote. But in the end, this one came down to Kasper and The Natural receiving multiple votes.​
    Receiving 4 votes and the winner of The Most Hated Poster.... A final farewell and Fuck You...​
    The Natural!!
    Dick: Congrats Natty...Google that bitch. Ah, I kid, I kid. It won't be the same around here without you, that's for sure. But at least we can bestow upon you this parting gift. And with farewells in order, let's take our first brief intermission so that Kasper can go call his parole officer and let him know he won't be driving home tonight.​
    Intermission
     
    • Like Like x 6
  2. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2010
    Messages:
    12,536
    about time you took a shot at me..
     
  3. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2010
    Messages:
    12,536
    more crushies damit
     
  4. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2010
    Messages:
    4,170
    Dick: And we're back. Hope everyone had a chance to use the bathroom and stretch their legs. We've got a lot of awards left to give out and we're going to knock out the bulk of them here before the second intermission. We'll start with a that just didn't stay close in the voting. Very anticlimactic but we'll knock it out. That's the award for the Biggest Upset of the Year. Several got a vote including Michigan's run of sim games in which the users did not take advantage of him being out of town. Also receiving a vote and a rude one at that, "BPHusker over anyone". However this vote ended in a lanslide...

    The winner for the biggest upset of the year goes to....


    The Qwon for Purdue's upset of Wisconsin.


    Dick: It's almost a surprise that this game got so many votes. As Purdue beat Wisconsin last year as well. How long will this game be considered an upset with a Qwon victory? Let's move on to the other new category and a very intriguing category as well. That category is for the best topic on the board during the season. The votes were certainly humorous and included the following: Posting Pics of lady friends/white women, the OC blog, JQwon the gay superhero?, coach interviews, the OC chat, Cheese, everyone telling about themselves, and Natural's Google shirt.

    Dick: Looking at that list, I struggle to understand what people see in this league... But obviously the boards were even more active this season than the last. Even more new features continue to pop up. But despite all those things of depth and actual intelligence, this is the craptastic list that the votes came from.... So it brings me much displeasure and disappointment to present The Award for the Best Topic this season....

    And the winner is....


    Posting pics of ladyfriends/white women!



    Dick: You people embarrass yourselves. That's all I'm going to say regarding this. How such a stupid topic garnered 3 votes is beyond me. Not that the Natural's Google shirt and JQwon the gay superhero were exactly topics of great substance. I feel like I need something positive to cheer me up after this. And so we shall move on to the next category for the Most Liked Poster. Hopefully this will cheer people up.

    Dick: Several interesting votes in this category that made for a laugh. For starters UofCWildcat casting a vote for himself. Of course, he probably cast this vote before he realized he was failing every class....probably doesn't like himself too much now. And if you want to talk the real upset of the year, how about The Qwon receiving a vote for Most Liked Poster?!? There must have been a hanging chad on that ballot and I demand a recount. Could there be a bigger surprise in this vote than Qwon receiving one? The answer is yes. Even The Natural somehow received a vote for this category. And I know what you're thinking, but no neither Qwon or Natty voted for themselves. Cougars, BPHusker, PhilStyle and Kasper all got a vote as well. But one poster received 3 votes....

    The winner and still The Most Liked Poster is....


    Hornfaninbama!!


    Dick: A big congrats to him. We'll see if he's still liked once his talent pays off and he starts winning user games. It's easy to like the guy you beat. But to like he who beat you, is divine...or something like that.

    Dick: While this league.... Damn it Cougars, stop switching chairs! Just stay in one you pussy bitch! Like I was saying, while this league is the most offensive, the next category is for the Best Offensive Scheme. Certainly won't see Qwon and his "passing attack" in this vote. However you would see Kasper, Oshiomogho, Cougars and Philstyle each receive one vote. But this would be a 3 team race between Fuzzy, The Natural and Redd for the best offense. Each received multiple votes.

    And the winner for Best Offensive Scheme....


    Ends in a 3-way tie between Fuzzy, Natty and Redd!!


    Dick: Congrats to all three coaches as they will share this award for their offensive prowess. Before we head off to intermission, let's flip to the other side of the ball and see who had the best defense this season. Receiving a single vote in this category were Oshiomogho, Redd, Cougars and even BPHusker. But just like the offense, this came down to a 3 team race between Kasper, PhilStyle and Qwon. Interesting twists in this vote though. Since Oshiomogho never voted, Qwon didn't receive his likely vote after shutting out his offense for the game. Meanwhile PhilStyle and Kasper were the two teams that limited Qwon's offense the most, so which would get his vote and who will win this award?

    The answer is.....


    Another 3 way tie! Between Qwon, Philstyle and Kasper!


    Dick: Wow, unbelievable to have two 3-way ties. Really speaks volumes as to the depth of talent in this league. These teams really did put special units on the field defensively and their fellow coaches award them for that hard work with this award.

    Dick: Well it's time for us to take our second intermission. Please feel free to hit the bar...Not you Kasper, we know that ID you have is fake kiddo. We'll be back shortly...
    2nd Intermission
     
  5. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2010
    Messages:
    12,536
    *goes to room to get hammered off the mini bar- determined to come back to the final part of the show shitfaced and heckle Dick*
     
  6. fuzzyl0gic

    fuzzyl0gic No new friends

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2010
    Messages:
    8,935
    *grabs popcorn* Always a great read!
     
  7. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2010
    Messages:
    4,170
    Dick: Well sad to say we're at the final stage of the night. The final 3 categories. This first category may not be a surprise but it is for The User that Surprised you the most with his play this season. Always a special award for whoever takes it home as he has to be excited about what he accomplished that season. This category saw 9 votes. And all 9 votes went to one of two Users. In fact those users even voted for the other. However, if you do the math, you realize that 9 is not an even number. And so there will be no tie here as there must be a winner. I know some of the ACC coaches don't exactly know math, but if you're sitting near a B1G coach, please ask them to explain it to you. The votes were split 5 to 4. Would it be Kasper or Qwon to take home this award? Kasper's team vaulted forward this season only suffering one loss and topping it off with a BCS victory over Wisconsin. Meanwhile Qwon upset Wisconsin for the 2nd year in a row and earned a spot in the B1G Championship game. But which of the two was it that received that winning 5th vote?


    The winner for Most Surprising User is.....



    The Qwon!!


    {Qwon runs up to the stage and to the mic}


    Qwon: Just wanted to say thank you to all the little people. I can't say that we were overly satisfied with our performance this year. Three losses to non-league coaches was embarrassing. Also let one slip away to Wake Forest in the 4th quarter, but the Boilermakers are proud to receive this award. Thank you! And fuck you Kasper.

    Dick: Ah, always a class act that Qwon. He certainly doesn't disappoint....Unlike our next award which is for the Most Disappointing Team this season. While I'm sure on some level almost all of the users are disappointed as they strive for perfection and championships, the following are the ones that received votes for it. BPHusker and Redd each received a vote, while Fuzzy received two. But let's focus on the two finalists. The defending champ of this award from last year, Hornfaninbama as well as Cougars. Another tough season for the Huskers as Hornfaninbama hasn't been able to put it all together yet. Meanwhile Virginia looked destined for great things after last season only to see those dreams dashed against the rocks this year. But which did the other coaches find the most disappointing?


    The winner for Most Disappointing Team this season is.....


    Cougars!!


    Dick: A congratulations of sorts to Cougars. Obviously, not an award you want to win, but it says something that the other coaches think more highly of you than what you accomplished this season. And remember the Texas A&M motto.... There's always next year.

    Dick: Well unfortunately we are down to our final award. But we will end things on a good note, as it is The Bright Future award. The winner of this award better deliver next season or they could find themselves winning the previous award for most disappointing. Kasper received a vote and Redd received two. But the other 7 votes would be split between two coaches. One, The Qwon. Winner of the biggest surprise this season with a display of his steel curtain defense. And the other, the FNG BPHusker. A surprise candidate into such an important category. Surely though, the OC sees more promise in the Qwon's future right?


    The winner of the Bright Future award is.....



    BPHusker!


    Dick: Wow, what a surprise. It looks like the league expects big things from the FNG. He better not fall on his face or he'll be a disappointment just like Cougars. Alright guys, that's the end of our show this evening. It was a great year and we look forward to the upcoming season in The OC. This place just gets better and better each year. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.



    {The camera begins to fade out showing the people exiting the front of the building when all of a sudden shots ring out as bullets fly across the dark night sky. The camera quickly regains focus and zooms in on the flashes to find The Natural standing there with a crazy, wild look in his eyes. He waves the gun around as bystanders duck down}

    The Natural: Won't let me in? I'll gun all you down right here in the....

    {Three more shots ring out from the crowd catching The Natural in the chest and dropping him to the ground. The camera pans to find Cougars, wearing his orange hat, holding a smoking pistol and furthering the stereotype that all black people carry guns. The OC had been saved....For now......Mwahahahahahaha





    R.I.P. Natty
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2011
    • Like Like x 6
  8. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2010
    Messages:
    12,536
    fucking.
    classic.

    helps if you let the song play as you read the final portion--

    oh god, that ending was awesome qwon.. I wish I could like it 15 times... why can't I shaun?
     
  9. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2010
    Messages:
    12,536
    on second thought? no awards for my best season yet? gfy OC
     
  10. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2010
    Messages:
    4,170
    For the new guys....This will make more sense next season as this thing is littered with inside jokes from shit that happened during the season. But you get the jist....
     
  11. CoachRedd

    CoachRedd I come through in something real foolish

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2011
    Messages:
    2,223
    funniest thing ive read in a long time. lol @ cougars shooting natural.
     
  12. -Cougars-

    -Cougars- Walk On

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2010
    Messages:
    4,129
    LOL the funniest thing by far I have read in a long time, good shit Qwon
     
  13. Philstyle3005

    Philstyle3005 Walk On

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2011
    Messages:
    2,481
    Good stuff Qwon, always a great read.
     
  14. fuzzyl0gic

    fuzzyl0gic No new friends

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2010
    Messages:
    8,935
    LMAO that ending..wow. I'm on the floor man.
     
  15. -Cougars-

    -Cougars- Walk On

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2010
    Messages:
    4,129
    Couldn't agree more dude I was laughing forever.
     
  16. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2010
    Messages:
    4,170
    Couldn't decide who I wanted to shoot him, considered Kasper and some racist innuendo, and Fuzzy and kicking him out....But in the end, I decided Black on Black crime
     
  17. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2010
    Messages:
    4,170
    Thanks to all of yall who enjoyed it. I gotta keep up my writing skills somehow. More background on The Qwon, I was a journalism major at OU. I was the sportscaster for the Norman, OK TV station and after college got hired as a writer for Rivals.com for those of you that know it...
     
  18. -Cougars-

    -Cougars- Walk On

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2010
    Messages:
    4,129
    Ton of that in America lol
     
  19. hornfaninbama

    hornfaninbama GT: BulgyTexas

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2009
    Messages:
    2,826
    Awesome man great work. Love it more and more every year.
     
  20. The Natural

    The Natural Public Enemy #1

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2011
    Messages:
    1,486
    Good job Kqwan, I thought last year's were funnier though.
     
  21. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2010
    Messages:
    12,536
    [​IMG]
     
  22. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2010
    Messages:
    4,170
    Well...you're dead...
     
  23. CoachRedd

    CoachRedd I come through in something real foolish

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2011
    Messages:
    2,223
    Noone is rocking their prestigious crushie award in their sig? SMH...damn shame..
     
  24. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2010
    Messages:
    12,536
    well if I ever won one off this scam Qwon calls the Crushies...
     
  25. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2010
    Messages:
    4,170
    I almost feel like rocking, "Received one vote for most liked poster" in my sig...
     

Share This Page