Bear Attack with Jerry Bumpers

Discussion in 'Zeros to Heroes' started by the_rhinoceros, Dec 10, 2010.

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  1. the_rhinoceros

    the_rhinoceros Walk On

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    Cal Season preview

    Preseason Rank #14

    The Bears begin the season without their two best offensive weapons from last year. HB Dasarte Yarnway and WR Derek Hagen both graduated. And this for a team whose 10-3 record and final #17 ranking was due mostly to it's stellar play on defense, is great cause for concern. The offense is at crossroads. None of the QBs returning from last year were the least bit impressive. And four star recruit QB Andrew Curry is likely to at least begin the year as a redshirt. The offensive line returns all five starters, but it's still a young unit, comprised mostly of overachievers.

    "There isn't a guy on offense who you'll say, "Hey, there's a horse I'll hitch my crapwagon to.'" Coach Jerry Bumpers said. "So all these boy are going to have to take turns pulling the crapwagon, pushing the crapwagon and generally perambulating the crapwagon in a forwardly direction. We'll push that sumbitch all the way to Pasadena, mark my words."

    The vaunted Bear defense lost two underclassmen to the NFL and the entire starting secondary graduated as seniors. "We're about as deep as cheerleader majoring in Sociology, but we have some playmakers and of course our defensive is scheme is second to none, thanks to yours truly. We just have to play within ourselves, whatever the heck that means."

    The Bears didn't address the troubling place kicker situation in the off season. Last year in the loss to Arizona State Caleb Brown missed a field goal that would have sent the game into overtime, and he sucked the rest of the year too.

    You can make a strong case that last year's team was nowhere near the 17th best in the nation talent-wise, and they take a step backwards this year, but Coach Bumpers has a singular goal and that is to win the PAC -10 and play in the Rose Bowl. Every day before practice, he hands out a rose to each of his players and he asks them to whip themselves in the back with the thorny stems until they bleed. "We got to toughen these mother hubbards up. These California boys need to learn that life isn't all about surfing, finger jamming pretty blonde girls, and enjoying locally grown organic produce. They got to know pain and anguish. Because I tell you what, other than Stanford, there ain't a team on our schedule that is full of pretty blonde girls looking to get finger jammed behind Whole Foods."
     
  2. bdub

    bdub Walk On

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    HAHA good stuff as always Rhino. Thanks for the billboard material my boys will be ready to play a bunch of pot head surfers don't worry.
     
  3. nrg_qbz-_-

    nrg_qbz-_- Walk On

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    "Every day before practice, he hands out a rose to each of his players and he asks them to whip themselves in the back with the thorny stems until they bleed"

    you mother-effer...you made me spit my water onto my keyboard
     
  4. Sabo

    Sabo Z2H Commish

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    Lmao that is classic commentary coach
     
  5. maij17

    maij17 PSN: MAIJ17

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    Amazing rhino, lol
     
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