Coach Box Week 9: Coach Cheez

Discussion in 'Thread Archive' started by Jayrah, Feb 3, 2011.

  1. Jayrah

    Jayrah AllCougdUp.com Editor - A.M. avatar Guru

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    ESPN is partnering with Night Owls and has moved to every other week to get an outlook from one coach in the league. "Coach Box" will be asking the tough questions for question's sake, and a basically fun read. All questions are asked by an anonymous, fictitious, totally made up ESPN analyst from NCAA 11 and are, under no circumstances, a personal attack or inquiry nor does my possibly narrow-minded and irrational analyst, necessarily, reflect my personal opinions or views. Coaches are in no way required to respond with anything more than.... NO COMMENT. But just know that you are not a good, tough coach unless you answer the hard, tough question.





    ***Coach Box: Week 9***

    Coach Cheez Please:

    "Coach I am very eager to hear from you this week on some pressing matters, including your alleged gaming scandal and your thoughts on a Rose Bowl appearance for the Illini.

    First the scandal. Now this whole incident took place just last week, against Boston College, and according to our records there was a game review released by the local media which included final stats and scores which had your team losing in double ot. However later that day it seems as if quite a different game was played, which your team won handily.

    Now, some have suggested magic, in conjunction with what your school was accused of and seemingly outsourced last season. Some have suggested national amnesia. Some have suggested a Vegas betting scandal, of which the specific parties that have suggested such a scandal think that your coaching staff is at least partially involved, which of course would garner an NCAA and police investigation. And still others have suggested a very rare mulligan, or double header game, in which the first game result was thrown out due to a faulty finish. The final suggestion was that a rerun was played earlier in the day and a local reporter mistook that for the real game, which seems highly unlikely, based on the stats of all current roster players on your team.

    I know you've addressed this to your local media base, but for the national crowd, what happened?

    How are you going to overcome the inevitable distractions of the media for the rest of the season due to this incident?

    And another burning issue with your team is their placing, in conjunction with what you have been quoted as saying is a Rose Bowl caliber team. You're obviously looking in from the cold as far as the Big 10 Championship and even 2nd place is concerned in many people's eyes around the country, but you still seem to think that the Rose Bowl is a possibility. Realistically, what is the placement for this team, after losing to MSU earlier and still facing Penn State, Wisconsin and Ohio State in back to back weeks?

    If you do have a chance to knock all 3 teams off, where is your team going to have to shine that they haven't yet this season?

    And lastly, how is your recruiting coming along in comparison to the powers of the Big 10? Are you seeing improvement in your abilities to steal players away yet? You seem pretty optimistic about the future."
     
  2. Cheez

    Cheez TSO's 1,000,000th Poster

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    The first thing I would like to address is that I am a large fan of this segment. I feel ESPN does a good job here, getting coaches to speak somewhat candidly about how they feel their team is doing.

    Now, the scandal you say that surrounds us at the University of Illinois should be nothing of the such. Our position here has been since the initial reports that nothing happened. This may have been shortsighted, but the reason we stated this was because of the fact that we had never played Boston College. In over 100 years of football at the University of Illinois, there has never been a game between the University of Illinois and Boston College.

    However, since that time, we have received new information, and as a spokesman for the university I would like to clear this up on this national stage. Well, I would like to clear it up as much as I possibly can, because the truth is a dirty dark secret.

    Indeed the beginning of this story does stem back to last year, with the University of Illinois backing the claim made by the University of Texas that Texas A&M MLB Kyle Mangan was a wizard. We here were at the forefront of the argument, taking on the charge that collegiate athletics and all sports in general should be rid of this "wizardry", because it gave an unfair competitive advantage to those who possessed it. In short, Texas A&M was cheating and would not have been nearly as good without it.

    The fights raged on and on, with the NCAA standing back and letting the fires of battle grow hotter and hotter between Texas A&M and the University of Illinois. In the end, the NCAA would not force Texas A&M to comply with the investigation of two of it's more premier academic schools, but never cited a reason. Mangan was allowed to complete his college career and is now failing miserably in the pros - as if his magic had been sucked from him some how.

    Still, this was not enough for Coach Jayrah over at Texas A&M University. He felt humiliated, having his reputation dragged through the mud like that. The accusations of being a cheater and a fraud were eating him alive. Maybe it was because deep down he knew that it was all true. I will not speak to why, because only he knows that. Coach Jayrah set on a mission to tarnish the schools who may have ruined his reputation permanently.

    Ladies and Gentlemen, what you saw indeed was a game between the University of Illinois and Boston College. But it was a game that never happened. Coach Jayrah cast a spell over the entire nation, making them witness an Illini loss to Boston College with the score of 36-33 in OT (just 1 OT, not 2). But the fact of the matter is that what you all saw was not real. The image in your head was placed there by a man with evil intentions. Coach Jayrah is simply trying to sully the good name of the University of Illinois.

    It is sad to see a coach stoop to such low levels, but when you're dealing with the likes of Coach Jayrah and Texas A&M University, it is about all you can expect. I would like to advise the other 118 universities in the FBS that these tactics will not cease. Coach Jayrah is a man who will stop at nothing if it means portraying their dark, Hogwart's-esque university in a more positive light. It is my recommendation that we excommunicate Texas A&M from the FBS, and lock Coach Jayrah up in a South American prison to prevent something like this from ever tarnishing the sport of college football again. Immediate action is necessary.

    And before you tell me that we're actually on the Maury Povich show and that Coach Jayrah is backstage, I have one thing to say to him. Coach Jayrah: "You ARE the father"... of wizardry in collegiate athletics.


    Now let me address your questions pertaining to recruiting before I get into my comments. We had a lot of guys visit our game vs. Michigan State. The loss in that game really did a number on us, but we hope to still meet our needs and have a decent class. There are still a lot of guys on our board that we have high hopes for, and we still have scholarships available to offer.

    As for the comments made by myself in regards to my own team, I must ask you this: Why can't we go to the Rose Bowl? This team is good enough to beat anyone in the country if we refrain from making mistakes and giving the ball away. I still believe that we have not played our best football yet this season, yet we were able to march into Iowa City and take a win there. Ask other people in the NCAA, it is not easy to go there, sit in the pink locker room at Kinnick Stadium, and pull out a win. And I would argue that for the most part we dominated the second half of that game. But there's still room for improvement.

    Two major things need to get better if we are to make a run at the Rose Bowl:

    1). Turnovers. I have been harping out this both with the media and with my players. We've since cut our league worst turnover differential to -11, but we still have a long ways to go. It's a work in progress, but we have only committed 2 turnovers in our last three games, while forcing 5.

    2). Pass Defense. Once again, we are among the league worst in pass defense. We are going to try a few things out this week and practice, and hopefully that will be enough to stymie our opponents going forward.

    Your question was "Where do I believe Illinois will realistically finish this season", right? Let me tell you that myself, my staff, and every person in our Locker Room believes we can beat Penn State. They believe that we can beat Wisconsin. They believe we can beat Ohio State. They believe we can run the table the rest of the season, and they believe that they will be playing in Pasadena on January 1, 2014.
     
  3. Jayrah

    Jayrah AllCougdUp.com Editor - A.M. avatar Guru

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  4. recchem2000

    recchem2000 UCLA > WSU

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    Man we gotta the 2 of you in the same conference next version. Great stuff Cheez!

    Long live the Wizard of College Station!
     
  5. Jayrah

    Jayrah AllCougdUp.com Editor - A.M. avatar Guru

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    Here Here!!!!!!
     
  6. Cheez

    Cheez TSO's 1,000,000th Poster

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    Oh lord, if Jayrah and I were in the same conference, the board might explode.

    ...

    because he isn't as much of a master at potions as he claims to be :p
     

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