Dick: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, here we are back for another fun-filled, action-packed, torturous hell of a season through this craphole of a conference we refer to as the Ivy League. My name is Dick Harding and I'm here to help usher in the new freshman class here at Freshmen Orientation for the Ivy League. You kids will be hit with all kinds of information like the history of the league, the future of the league and your present standing in this league. [Dick walks across the stage up to the podium] Dick: Now I understand that some of you have family here, but your parents should probably leave at this time. Also for the black players that already have several illegitimate children here with you, please send them off with your baby mama's. [A large portion of the crowd starts to head out] Dick: Also Gyrene76 , I see you over to the left, if you could please put your shirt back on... even if it is Affliction. Oh and your dad can actually stay since he's also part of the league. Just messing with you Coach Dean Evans . I'm glad you're here... Now I'm not the only one that has hooked up with Gyrene's mom. But as much as Coach IrishBearcat likes the attention, this day is not about the coaches. It's about the young, impressionable minds that we have attending the fine Universities across this very prestigious conference. Like our trio of blue-chip quarterbacks here in attendance, Keon Durbin from Georgetown, Dan King from Brown and Taylor Wilkinson from Delaware. Hopefully these young men can help lead their respective teams both on and off the field. Now on the way in, you were all handed a brochure. Some of the older coaches can help explain this. And by old, I mean been in this league for years, not as in old for this earth like Coach Qwigly . In this brochure, there are a few helpful tips and bits of information. For example on page 1, it helps explain that nikpin 's offense more closely resembles cheddar than swiss or mozzarella which is a common misconception. However, make no doubt about it folks, it's some sort of cheese. Page 2 of the brochure will help go into detail about the true meaning of . You cannot be initiated into this league without knowing what the true meaning of that symbol is. Page 3 is merely a consent form. Please sign and drop off at the front. It simply states that you are relinquishing any hopes of keeping your soul after this league is done with you. But let's move past the boring stuff and into the history of the league. The original roots of this league goes back many years to the days when a small time strip club DJ in Oklahoma named DirtycashDylan put together a respectable group of coaches to start a league known as Hard4Yards. After a couple years, this league inducted a new member who's greatness is surpassed only by his ego, The Qwon! With this new found attitude, the league thrived off The Qwon's douchiness and soared to new heights, even jumping to a premier league last season. However, after losing his protege CoachRedd to the wrath of DirtyCash, Qwon's spirt was broken and he headed off down the lonely road and on to another dynasty known as The OC. The OC was good to The Qwon and he was good for the OC. It grew and became a top level league. That's when the idea came to The Qwon. He yearned to see his H4Y brethren again and so this year, a merger happened between the two leagues. The best of H4Y joined the best of The OC....too bad the best of the OC was a pocket full of retards like Kasper , BPHusker , Philstyle3005 , fuzzyl0gic and -Cougars- . This unholy union of leagues was named The Dirty Dozen and much like the U.S., we put a black man in charge in Steamer43 . It wasn't long before the sick and twisted nature of the H4Y veterans chased off those from The OC who only thought they were douchey enough to hang. This turnover has brought many of you to this league. And here we are. Now to explain how you are to behave yourselves in this league. When someone politely questions whether you are correct or not in regards to a situation, you do not calmly try to settle things. You yell, call names and swear. You do NOT listen to reason. That is not the Dirty Dozen way. As for sportsmanship, show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser. One of the proud mentors of this group that taught many of our coaches how to behave after a loss now coaches at Wyoming as seen here... Some catch on to things quicker than others. Coach xGRIDIRONxGURUx was on top of things from the start as quickly accused Coach Nikpin of cheese. Others like Coach TheeAmazingness , may take more time to become acclimated. He may best serve to take a coach like TheCrumbIsHere as a mentor who has learned that it is still ok to be intelligent in a league full of retards. Oh but I could ramble all day up here... So let's get down to the reason you are all here. I know so many of you young freshmen are hopeful to make Qwon's Ivy All-Freshmen team. So let's get started! Now of course there's no where better to start than with the man under center or in this league, usually in the shotgun. The Quarterback position brings forth a bevy of young talent this season, but three blue-chip recruits as mentioned earlier, stand out above the rest. Now for all categories, please remember that several things are taken into consideration. This is not simply based on the overall rating. It's a look at a player's particular set of skills and also his chances of playing and contributing this season. Our nominees for 1st team quarterback are Keon Durbin of Georgetown, Dan King of Brown and Taylor Wilkinson of Delaware. All three are very worthy of this selection. Durbin rated as a 78 overall boasts a 91 throw power and 86 accuracy and stands at 6'0, 216 lbs. He also expects substantial playing time as he actually has a better arm than the Hoyas starting QB. King is King according to coach Nikpin. Already anointing his new quarterback as the heir to Running Water's throne. Already a stocky 6'2, 224 lbs, King has the frame to take a few hits which is certainly a good thing behind a line that allowed 70 sacks last season. Rated an 80 overall he has 94 throw power and 87 accuracy and thanks to a promise from his coach, will not redshirt this season. Finally we move to the very speedy Taylor Wilkinson. A slight frame of 6'1, 197 lbs, Wilkinson is mobile. He has 90 speed and 91 acceleration. But make no mistake, he can throw as well with 80 speed and 86 throw accuracy to help make up his overall rating of 79. He may be the most complete of the three quarterbacks. But they're can be only one winner here. And the winner and first team All-Ivy quarterback is.... Spoiler Dan King of Brown! Congratulations son, looks like you're king after all. This was a very tough decision for the committee. Durbin looks to get the most playing time and Wilkinson looks like the best overall quarterback, but King's combination of skills and chance to play early won him this award. Tough break for Wilkinson, but he sits 3rd on his depth chart and will likely redshirt. On to the running game! Most teams around this league like to air it out, but you can't overlook the ground and pound. Our three nominees are Conrad Boyd of Penn, Ronald Sims of Georgetown and Sam Ross of Yale. Boyd is mainly a third wheel to this party. His 73 overall with 85 speed is hardly impressive. He also sits at 3rd on his depth chart. But his inclusion here should serve notice as to the lack of young talent at the running back position. Sims steps into the shoes of Dusty Morse. His 6'1, 196 lb frame comes along with 87 speed and 88 acceleration. His 82 break tackle helps him to a 79 overall rating. He is also the best receiver of the three and will start this year for Georgetown. Ross brings a different game to the table. His 6'0, 203 lb frame comes with 95 speed, 96 acceleration and 93 agility bringing him to a 79 overall. He's not the receiver that Sims is, nor does he have Sims ability to bust it up inside but he can certainly get to the edge. And the winner and 1st team All-Ivy running back is.... Spoiler Sam Ross of Yale! This one was a much easier decision. Ross' blend of pure speed with agility was too much to ignore. I'm sure Boyd and Sims will both be good backs, but Ross has the ability to be elite. While Ross won't be the receiver out of the backfield that Sims is, Sims won't be the receiver that these guys will be. We're moving on to our wide receiver position. The nominees are Isaiah Wilson of Yale, Cedric Penn and Jovon Jackson both from Brown and Chris Little of Georgetown. This will be a little different as we will take two receivers on the 1st-Team. At 6'3, 199 lbs, Wilson has hands like glue with 80 catching. That serves to compliment his 90 speed and 94 acceleration as well as 84 route running. He does a bit of everything and the Bulldogs will need him to as he is their #2 receiver this season. The Brown boys, and I don't mean that in a racist way, are very similar in skill set despite an obvious size difference. Jackson stands at 6'2, 205 lbs with 92 speed and 89 acceleration. He also sports 76 catching and 81 route running. The much smaller Penn, stands at 5'10, 183 lbs but makes up for it with 93 speed and 88 acceleration. He also has 78 catching and 81 route running. And then there's Little, who don't mistake his name to indicate his size. He's 6'3, 207 lbs with 93 speed and 93 acceleration. He also has 78 catching and 89 route running. Despite his big frame he mixes in 82 jumping as well. The winners and two players selected as first team All-Ivy at wide receiver are.... Spoiler Chris Little of Georgetown and Isaiah Wilson of Yale! It seems size does matter as the two 6'3 receivers win. Big congratulations to both of these young men. Little was an easy decision, but the committee took quite some time before deciding on Wilson over the two receivers from Brown. Moving on to the fellas that aren't quite as talented of receivers, but do add in their ability to block. I'm talking of course about our nominees for tight end...They are.... Eric Joseph of Bucknell, Matt Smith of Columbia and Brian Jones of Princeton. Joseph standing at 6'3, 239 lbs has a solid 78 speed for a tight end and 70 catching. He mixes in a 71 pass block and 68 run block to go with it and is a solid all around player as a 69 overall. He currently sits as the number two tight end on the roster. Smith will be the starter this year for Columbia. His 71 overall rating is a result of his 6'2, 239 lb frame with 76 speed and 71 route running. He needs to work on his hands as he has only a 60 catching. His pass blocking is a 69 and he has an impressive 77 for run blocking. Meanwhile Jones brings the greatest size to the part standing at 6'5, 258 lbs. He is a 66 overall but he is the superior receiver in the group. His blend of 81 speed an 84 acceleration are impressive for a guy his size. He also has outstanding hands with 80 catching and has a 75 route running as well. However, his blocking leaves much to be desired as he has 62 pass block and 61 run block. And the winner and 1st team All-Ivy tight end is.... Spoiler Brian Jones of Princeton! This was a tough decision for the committee. They really felt they should go with Smith's all around ability, but his bad hands really hurt him. And Jones' freakish athleticism with his size and receiving ability won out. Now we move on to the big uglies. And no I'm not talking about Guru's ex girlfriends. I'm referring of course to the offensive line. Let's jump straight into this long list of nominees.... The nominees at tackle are... William Brown of Brown rated as a 78 overall, Jeremy Cunningham of Bucknell as a 75 overall and Cody Thomas of Harvard as a 72 overall. The nominees at guard are... Dominic Wood of Columbia at a 76 overall, Tony Skinner of Penn as a 68 overall and Robert Williams of Yale as a 77 overall. The two nominees at center are Anthony Brown of Bucknell as a 73 overall and Erik Robinson of Cornell as a 68 overall. So many abilities you could look at but at the end, we took the biggest, the meanest and the ugliest. So your winners and first team All-Ivy Offensive line are.... Spoiler William Brown of Brown, Jeremy Cunningham of Bucknell, Dominic Wood of Columbia, Robert Williams of Yale and Anthony Brown of Bucknell Now we're going to take a quick break so that you guys can go and meet some of the co-eds. Then we'll be back with the 1st-Team All-Ivy defense!