KENT - The Golden Flashes managed an impressive 35-28 road win over Notre Dame to open the 2016 campaign. Jacob Ellison, Valerie Derfus, and Todd West didn't see it. "At first I didn't think anything of it. During last year's season, we were usually the only three here anyway. I pretty much just use it as an excuse to tan whenever I can't get tickets to the Ohio State, Miami (OH), or Cincinnati games. But after a while, even the teams weren't coming out. That's when my boyfriend Jacob started calling around. Eventually, he found a friend who had a friend at Notre Dame, and we found out it was a road game." said Valerie, a sophomore Psych major from Columbus. The Kent State program has been an exercise in futility for the past 30 years, but there are hops that Coach Qwon can turn it around. In his last stop, Coach Qwon managed to bring Baylor University out of the cellar of the Big XII. "They treated me like a Deacon there in Waco. Good people and I enjoyed my time there. Kent State's got nothing on the Big O's at George's. I just wish I didn't have to wear a disguise every time I wanted to enjoy a little libation." Indeed, Coach Qwon was the (sparkling grape juice) toast of the town in Waco, until he had a little too much to drink before a basketball game and was caught on tape asking if he could 'smash' the furry mascot. That was the last straw for the Baylor Board of Regents, who bought out his contract and sent him packing to the bowels of northeast Ohio. Qwon seems to be enjoying a newfound freedom. Now that he's escaped the wrath of the religious right, he's been able to recruit players of ill repute, including the deceased Adam Carter and the defensive end with pending rape charges, Adam Collins. It remains to be seen if these athletes are merely a flash in the pan, or the building blocks of a successful program. But if you want to go see a game, you should have no problem finding a ticket.