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Is The Rhinoceros an endangered species in DeKalb, Illinois?

Discussion in 'Zeros to Heroes' started by the_rhinoceros, Nov 4, 2010.

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  1. the_rhinoceros

    the_rhinoceros Walk On

    Aug 20, 2010
    The scuttlebutt around the salad bar in the Cracker Barrel in DeKalb is that Coach Jerry 'The Rhinoceros' Bumpers has packed his bags and the coach that has brought two consecutive MAC Championships to Northern Illinois will be coaching for a BCS conference team next year.

    However, Bumpers has repeatedly denied the rumors. His latest denial came after the Championship victory against Temple.

    "I don't know how many times I got to answer this question. All I see is a pack of dang lies in the papers. Jerry Bumpers is going to Florida. Jerry Bumpers is going to California. Heck, if Hawaii had a football team, you all would say I was going there. Well, read my lips, you chubby reporters. Jerry Bumpers is not going anywhere except to the massage parlor for a Tom Collins and a well deserved rubdown. Jerry Bumpers will be the football coach of the Northern Illinois Huskies next year, or my name's not Jerry Bumpers."

    But folks at the Cracker Barrell aren't so sure.

    Bill Worthington, a UPS driver from Rochelle, thinks Bumpers is going to coach the Florida Gators. "I know Coach Bumpers didn't take to the cold weather here. I always see him nipping away at that flask he carries with him in order to keep warm. My gut tells me he's going to the Florida sunshine. He'll be sorely missed."

    Betty Randolph, a beautician from Cortland, has a different opinion. "The man is a pig who can't keep his hands to himself. He better watch it or he'll lose one of those fingers. I'm not lying. You can tell him I said so. I bet he's going to California to fraternize with the rest of the degenerates. And I say good riddance to bad rubbish."

    But there's still some who hold out hope that Bumpers will return. Eleven year-old Bobby Bailey was wearing a Huskie football jersey and eating an apple pie when we asked him what he thinks the future holds for the Huskies. "When I grow up I want to be just like Coach Bumpers. He's a good man and I know he'll never leave us behind. And if he does leave, then I'll poke that pantywaist Bumpers in the hind quarters with this here pie fork until his heinie is raw, or my name's not Bobby Bailey!"
  2. bdub

    bdub Walk On

    Jul 26, 2010
    HAHA good stuff.
  3. Sabo

    Sabo Z2H Commish

    Feb 13, 2010
    Lmao classic reporting as always
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