Northern Illinois Season Preview Northern Illinois Huskies Preseason Outlook Coach Jerry “The Rhinoceros” Bumpers was unceremoniously fired as head coach of the Temple Owls just two days after accepting the job. There’s been no official word as to why the notoriously prickly former high school coach-of-the-year was so quickly terminated from his first college job, but rumors on Owls fan message boards describe a black-tie cocktail party at the University President’s house, a heavily intoxicated Coach Bumpers, the scantily clad wife of Temple’s President, and a jar of JIF peanut butter. Asked to comment on the rumors, Coach Bumpers said, “That’s a pack of dang lies! I’d never eat JIF peanut butter. I’m a golldanged Skippy man! I’m Skippy through and through.” Coach Bumpers was quickly hired to take over a Northern Illinois team coming off a disappointing year. Addressing the media in his first press conference, “The Rhinoceros” rambled on largely incoherently for three hours. What follows are some of the more lucid comments he made: “I only been here twenty-four golldanged hours, so I don’t know **** about this team, except they were sorry-**** losers last year and that’s all about to change or my name ain’t Jerry “The Rhinoceros” Bumpers.” “My bathtub has more depth than this defense.” “The dang roster is messier than the back seat of a limo the day after the Homecoming Dance. We have seven Quarterbacks who can’t throw a lick, and three of our four Offensive Tackles are seniors. If any of our wealthier boosters want to discuss recruiting strategy, I’ll be at the Rising Sun Massage Parlor until 4am tonight.” “One thing I do know is if we’re gonna change the culture of losing around here, then we gotta change the golldanged team mascot. The Huskies? Huskies are blue-jeans for fat kids. We need a mean football name, like the Swamp Murderers or the Angry Mob. No, wait, I got it… The Northern Illinois Ticked-off Rhinoceroses.” The Huskies have BYE Week 1 and will likely lose at Wisconsin Week 2.