Off The Beaten Path Season 1, Episode 1

Discussion in 'Pushing for Paydirt' started by MartyWebb, Jul 22, 2012.

  1. MartyWebb

    MartyWebb C.R.E.A.M.

    Jul 25, 2010
    Off The Beaten Path. We look while no one else does.

    Hello, and welcome to the first edition of Pushing For Paydirt's 'Off the Beaten Path,' a bi-seasonal(maybe more if we could slow the hell down Steve!) fake magazine that will article the happenings of the teams that aren't being controlled by a Human. That'd be 110 Schools with iRobot as their coach, and 0 Head Coaches out of that 110 that will be held responsible or cry real tears when their team is shit. Speaking of shit, we will start by highlighting the worst of the worst so far this season as of Week 7.

    There are four teams in our little world that have yet to walk off the field without hearing "We'll get 'em next time champ!" These teams are no surprise, as UMass(0-6, 0-3)(Glad you made the jump to FBS yet?), Kent State(0-5, 0-3), UNLV(0-5, 0-1) and Texas State(0-5, 0-0.) For those of you who can't do simple math, I'm able to use my calculator to show you the big picture. That's a combined 0-25 W-L record, and a combined 0-7 Conference W-L record. Atop all of that, nothing screams futility more than being outscored a combined 214 points to 749 points. Which means for every 7 points they allow, they score 2. They're playing fucking basketball guys, is what I'm trying to get at here. The good news, is we'll have another breaking news story next season when Fuhrer Peench decides which of the 5 will not be in his Out-Of-Conference schedule, and which 4 will be whipping boys. The entire Big XII, with Kansas, has allowed a combined 1013 points(That's 10 teams folks,) and after taking about Kansas, 813 points.

    Some other worsts. Protecting the quarterback is usually pretty key for a team's offensive success, unless that team is The Longest Yard's prison team, in which case let Adam Sandler fail and hopefully break a collarbone. These teams haven't figured out how important good O-line play is, as Arkansas State has allowed 25 sacks, and Syracuse has allowed 23 sacks, UC freaking LA has managed to get All-American Purple Heart Honoree Gold Glove Winning Brett Hundley destroyed 22 times. He won't be buying dinner for the big 'uns up front, not because he can't afford it, but because he has the shakes any time he reaches for his wallet because he's so used to the damn pocket collapsing in on him.​
    Memphis on the other hand, in 5 games(yes, they even won one,) has managed to pick off ZERO passes from the other team. That's ZERO interceptions. Because I can't, and won't, disclose how many defensive plays they've run, I'm pretty sure Stephen Hawking could get a hold of at least ONE after 5 games, if nothing else, to just fall into his lap, which would still allow him to fumble less than our next contestant. James Gillum, of Minnesota Golden Gophers l(f)ame, has fumbled an alarming 6 times this season. That, off 84 carries, puts him at a One Fumble per 14 carry rate. He's only one higher than these three characters, HB Orville Reynolds(Wake Forest, 5), HB Justus Pickett(Maryland, 5) and QB Sean Renfree(Duke, 5.) What do those numbers prove? That those cheesing ass bastards in the ACC are clearly using aggressive strip, hands down. The only more obvious thing is how dumb EA Sports was to not put the Rev 15-handle bar Face Mask on this god forsaken game.​
    What did we land on next Stephen Hawking? Oh, it's the up and comers, as to not get a complete negative vibe on this thread. After all, this isn't Operation Sports.​
    Hey there Mississippi State! The only thing bigger than your ridiculous state name is the surprise that you've made it through 5 games and haven't lost a game that you probably should have won. 5-0? 2-0 within the SEC? Why yes! You beat Auburn at home, and Kentucky on the road, not too shabby. You even beat SMU in Dallas? Well fuck you then! You probably cheated! Oh, two wins over FCS schools? Yeah, you cheater.​
    UT-San Antonio is making some noise out west, where they currently lead the WAC with a 3-2 overall record and a 1-0 start in conference play. Not entirely a surprise when you look at their sched.....wait, what the hell? You won your first game within the conference, New Mexico State, which lets face it has about as much talent at football as the 2nd Tier Arena Football League. You played your other FOUR games against FCS SE, W, E and NW?! And you lost two of those?!! Way to go Road Runners, or w/e your mascot is, you guys are futility at its finest.​
    The Big Ten, or B1G, which isn't a freaking word because there is a number wedged into it, has been outstanding this year. Out of the 12 teams, there are only TWO teams that don't have 2 more wins than they have losses. Purdue had to ruin it for everyone, by being 1-4 thus far, and Ohio State playing their finest ball at 2-4, and 0-2 within the conference. Turns out that you cannot spell Buckeyes without S.U.C.K. which means this irrelevant program is on its way down, where it belongs. Take that 2/3rds of our coaches!​
    The Big XII by the way, and the #5 ranked Texas Longhorns boast the best defensive scoring team ranking, only allowing 33 points through 5 games. That means that 33/5 equals the amount of points they're allowing per game, how incredibly low is that?! I know right?! Well done Longhorns and Mack Brown, no go and recruit some more.​
    We'll hit some quick hits, some of the nations leaders before we post up the Conference Standings as of right now not counting the games you assholes played already which are ruining this segment.​
    Most passing yards in the country, QB Brett Hundley from UCLA. YEAH BOIIII!!! 2130 Yards, no no, don't look at the teams record....aww...shit you ruined it.​
    Most passing touchdowns in the country, QB Matt Gayley from USC. 19 touchdowns. Good going. Also tied with Cody Green from Tulsa(loldanthraxxx), Seth Doege at Texas Tech and Bryn Renner from UNC.​
    Least rushing yards in the country. No one cares, but it's QB Sean Mannion from Oregon State at -91 yards. :eek::eek:
    Most rushing yards in the country, RB Brandon Harton from Georgia. He's run for 817 yards so far, which is about 200 points higher than his SAT scores. UGA Burn!#!#​
    Most rushing TDs in the country, RB Ryan Boykin from Ohio. He's got 9 guys, that's a whole lot considering he's a freaking Wildcat, or Bobcat, or a cat from Ohio period.​
    The Top 6 guys in the country with the highest Receiving Yards Per Reception ranking : All users. :oops:
    Most receiving yards in the country, WR Marquess Wilson from Washington State. No doubt that Mike Leach's system is working for this guy. He's caught 40 passes for 766 yards, most likely on all slant routes.​
    Most receiving touchdowns in the country, Along with the aforementioned Marquess Wilson, four are tied with 8. Those others being Jared Abbrederis from Wisconsin, Dres Anderson from Utah(cheaters), and Alex Torres from Texas Tech.​
    Most sacks in the country, Bjoern Werner from Florida State, who other than his funky name doesn't interest me at all. Take that Florida State, not so special now huh.​
    Most interceptions in the country, The Honey Badger from LSU. 6 so far, which is impressive, not as impressive as his ability to dance to the Dougie and seamlessly move into the moonwalk. Youtube it.​
    Most SOLO Tackles, because they're the only ones that matter, Travis Freeman from Ball State. This is immediately contributed to by the fact his offense is probably one of the worst in the game. 36 though, for the record.​
    Now, the standings!!! Seamless Transition right JFace?!​

    Last edited: Jul 22, 2012
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  2. I Peench

    I Peench Caught in the hustle

    Jul 1, 2010
  3. DC

    DC Shake n Bake

    Jul 22, 2009
    I liketh the smartassery
  4. Mike E

    Mike E Earth Rocker

    Dec 30, 2009
    heh heh, Matt Gayley....
  5. Bulldog

    Bulldog Coach Richt is my Dawg!

    Jul 1, 2010
    • Like Like x 3
  6. sawemoff

    sawemoff #FearTheBeard

    Dec 29, 2011
    • Like Like x 1

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