The 1st Annual Crushies!!!

Discussion in 'Thread Archive' started by JQwon13, Dec 7, 2011.

  1. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    [Scene opens from helicopter camera circling the large theater hosting the Crushy award ceremony. Spotlights dance every which way illuminating the night sky in bright shades of light blue, pink and green. A red carpet surrounded by red velvet ropes extends from the front door to the curb. On each side of the red carpet are hoards of people trying to catch a glimpse of these now famous young coaches and their players.]

    Dick: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm your host Dick Harding and I'd like to welcome you to the first annual Crushies awards ceremony! I know that last year many of the coaches met in fuzzyl0gic 's mom’s basement but this year we’ve certainly taken a step up. Now we still have coaches and players coming in so let’s see if we can catch a few of them as they make their way into the auditorium.

    -Here comes Purdue running back Ralph Bolden, with coach JQwon following closely behind, holding Bolden’s pocket.

    Dick: Ralph, obviously it was a tough way to end your senior season as you had your Boilermakers in position to win the division and head to the B1G title game. How’d you feel about the way things ended?

    Ralph: Well obviously it was tough. Before the Penn St game, I accidentally went into their locker room. The things I saw in there still haunt my dreams. It threw me off and led to my injury on the first drive of that game. I’ll be gone next season, but they’ve got enough talent coming in that I think they’ll be just fine.

    Dick: Thanks Ralph. Enjoy the show. Well now we’d like to get a quick word in with Coach Tschetter who is reportedly in the building…Oh, well nevermind. We’re just getting word that Tschetter was here, but has already been kicked out of the building by OC commissioner Fuzzyl0gic. We haven’t yet gotten details about the possibility of it being race related, but due to the recent racial tensions, that is a strong possibility. But back to those that are in attendance, here comes the duo of Coach The Natural and his Heisman running back, Marcus Wright.

    -The Natural walks up carrying the BCS crystal ball as Wright holds the Heisman trophy.

    Dick: Woah, quite the hardware you have there gentlemen. Marcus, aren’t you afraid you might drop the trophy and break it?

    Marcus: I think you need to check the stats Dick. 197 carries this season and zero fumbles. I don’t fumble shit.

    Dick: Always a pleasure fellas. Well moving on…It appears that all of the coaches have arrived except for apparently Coach pnc from Illinois, but we probably can’t expect him to actually make an appearance. Coaches gwill and hornfaninbama have even made their way here to grace us with their presence. And CoachRedd is supposedly pulling up.

    -Just then a large yellow hummer stretch limo pulls up blaring the Iowa fight song. CoachRedd emerges from the vehicle wearing a yellow suit with a black top hat. He strolls up the red carpet and right to Dick.

    CoachRedd: What’s up Orange Crush?!?! I couldn’t let Qwon try to liven up this league on his own!

    Dick: Wow, even the black people in the room think this guy is too loud… Well with everyone here and starting to take their seats, it’s time for me to start heading back to the stage.

    - A flurry of pyrotechinics light up the room as The Commish, Fuzzyl0gic is lowered to the stage attached to a harness. He quickly unhooks and steps to the mic.

    Fuzzy: Good evening Orange Crush! Great to see everyone here tonight. The league has really made some huge steps this year and we’re happy to have several new coaches and we look to continue to advance in the coming years.

    -Just then a man by the name of DirtycashDylan runs into the room.

    DirtyCash: Now you are the one that can go fuck himself!

    -A look of confusion runs over the face of the audience while The Qwon, Redd and Fuzzy lightly chuckle to themselves.

    Fuzzy: Well anyway, I look forward to a great award show tonight and it’s time to bring the host back out so I’ll go grab a hold of Dick.

    Dick: Yeah I bet you will.

    -Dick walks back onto the stage as Fuzzy takes his seat.

    Dick: Wow, well now that we’ve hyped up these awards more than Qwon and Oshiomogho did their regular season matchup, let’s get started.

    -Dick looks down at his sheet and pulls out an envelope as he begins to open it.

    Dick: The first award on the ballot is for The Best Overall User in the league. Obviously this league is full of great coaches that do an incredible job. While Philstyle3005, Oshiomogho and Fuzzy all received a vote, this one came down The Natural and his national title and the incredible job that Kasper has done at Wake Forest despite the skin pigmentation surgery he has submitted many of his black players to.

    Dick: And the winner for Best Overall user is…..



    The Natural!

    -The Natural strolls up to the stage and as Dick goes for the handshake, The Natural walks on by to the mic.

    The Natural: Well it’s good to see that you people made the right decision. I’d like to thank a few people here. First of all, myself, for being merciful enough to not try my hardest so that some of the games stayed close. Second, I’d like to thank HookedOnPhonics. I can’t quite spell JQwon’s name right yet, but I’m getting closer.

    Dick: Well obviously The Natural was a popular choice as he received 5 votes to Kasper’s 2. The Natural has won back to back championships with the Yellow Jackets and has become a force to be reckoned with.

    Dick: Well let’s move on to the next category. Even though some of you weren’t smart enough to figure out not to vote for yourself, we’ll let it slide this year. The next award is for the Most Surprising User. This coach is someone that really exceeded expectations with the job he did this season with his team. The votes were really spread around with a lot of good candidates with Qwon and Fuzzy both receiving a vote. However, this award came down to three coaches. Philstyle, -Cougars- and Kasper all separated themselves from the pack. But two coaches only received two votes.

    The other coach, bringing home four votes and the award for The Most Surprising User is……



    Cougars!

    Dick: A big congratulations to him for the job he did at UVA this season. He really came out of nowhere to play elite football. He brought around a new level of success to the Cavaliers. He led them to a 10-3 season after winning the champs sports bowl and finished in the top 10. And we will have a victory speech from him later on.

    Dick: Unfortunately though, there are two sides to every coin and while Cougars was on the good side, we also must have a most disappointing user. This will go to a coach who really just face-planted this season and didn’t meet the lofty expectations his fellow coaches held for him. Both GWill and PNC received a vote here after 7-5 and 6-6 records respectively. However, this would be one of the more interesting votes as Coach @Tschetter received two votes despite no longer even being in the league. Some coaches really want to kick a man when he’s down.

    Dick: Meanwhile in a landslide vote, receiving 6 votes for the Most Disappointing user, the winner is….



    Hornfaninbama!

    Dick: I’m not really sure if I should say congratulations here or not. But after an 8-4 season for hornfaninbama with the talent at Nebraska, his fellow coaches feel he should have done more. We’ll get a brief ‘victory’ speech from him and then we will move on to our first intermission.

    INTERMISSION
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2011
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  2. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    This is only Part-1. There are two more parts coming... In the meantime, I'd like Hornfaninbama and Cougars to post their acceptance speeches for their awards. I wrote The Natural's for him just for the fun, but normally I always let the coaches do their own when they win.
     
  3. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

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    JQwon13 hurry up and post some more so I can read it before work you ass hole... this is good shit
     
  4. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    When are you leaving for work?
     
  5. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

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    In an hour..
     
  6. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Dick: And we’re back! Hope everyone had time to go to the bathroom or hit the concession stands. And hopefully Oshiomogho had time to change the litter box for all those damn cats he has. But on to the project at hand. This league has seen serious renovations over the past year. One of the biggest reasons is a new found douchiness in the league. The bitter, back-biting and sarcastic statements have resulted in some new rivalries. One of those new rivalries will be two of our lead candidates for this award as Qwon and Kasper have had quite the back and forth. Also involved in these altercations has been The Natural.

    Dick: All three candidates are more than qualified. Kasper adds a bit of small town bigotry to the boards. Meanwhile The Qwon was a three-peat winner of this award in his old league. Meanwhile The Natural says he brings a more natural aura of his inner douche. Regardless, this vote wasn’t as close as expected.
    The winner of the Biggest Douche goes to….



    The Natural!!

    -A groan of disappointment emits from The Qwon as he has been undefeated in this category in the past, but was just outdouched here.

    Dick: While he and Kasper each received 2 votes, The Natural cruised to victory on the back of 5 votes. We’ll of course get more from The Natural later to see his thoughts on his winning this award.

    Dick: Like I said earlier though, there are two sides of every coin and we certainly need a little kindness to help offset the douchiness in this league. The next award is for the league Friendliest user. However, in this league it felt like trying to find the smartest retard. Not a whole lot of candidates for this one. Begrudgingly, coaches around the league made attempts at choosing the least douche coach and finally came up with a winner. That’s not to say there weren’t some interesting votes though. The FNG UofCWildcat managed to pick up a couple votes thanks to pleasantly cheerful entrance thread of “Hey There”. Cougars picked up a vote, but it was from himself…enough said. And one coach even voted for PNC because “Never seen that guy lose his cool.” Meanwhile some of us have never seen him at all. But I digress. Despite all the interesting votes, this one came down Hornfaninbama and our lovely commish Fuzzy for the final 5 votes.

    Dick: And the coach who got the 3 votes and the winner of Friendliest user goes to….



    Hornfaninbama!!

    Dick: A big congrats to him. It’s gotta be tough to be the nice guy when you lose all the user games, but way to be a good sport! Others across the league like to yell, shout, swear or accuse the other user of cheese.

    Dick: And speaking of those user games, which one was the best? There were so many great ones to choose from. Many games got votes as it was tough to limit it down to one game. We had a great one in Georgia Tech over North Carolina which garnered 2 votes. The Virginia-Wake Forest game got a vote. So did Clemson’s upset win over Georgia Tech in which GWill's defenders were stripping more than The Natural’s white girlfriend. In the end though, this one would really come down to two games, both with big time implications. One is obvious, the national championship game between The Natural and Philstyle. These two juggernauts battled each other the entire game and in the end it came down to a long field goal from Philstyle…a field goal that would fall short and hand the crystal ball over to The Natural and the Yellow Jackets. The other game was the hyped up B1G showdown between The Qwon and Oshiomogho. The Badgers jumped to a 14-0 lead, but squandered that lead late as Oshiomogho spent more time posting photos of his cat and less time stopping Ralph Bolden. Wisconsin would manage to score and tie it up with under 30 seconds in regulation. Then score a touchdown to start overtime, but Ralph Bolden hoisted the team up on his shoulder in OT as well as he ran for 9 yards, then a 16 yard touchdown. Rather than going for the tie, coach Qwon gave it to Bolden one more time for the 2 Pt conversion and Purdue won it 39-38. So as you can see, both were great games but which one did the voters like better?

    Dick: Grabbing 4 votes and the nod for the best game this season was…..



    Purdue over Wisconsin!!

    Dick: Very fitting that two close games would have a close vote. Now we have The Qwon coming to the stage to say a few words.

    The Qwon: Well obviously it was a close game. Both teams fought very hard, but in the end I think Oshiomogho got distracted by the pussy…and we were able to get the victory. I want to thank Bolden for dominating that game and also thank whichever quarterback played that week and didn’t throw it to the other team too many times. I’m pretty sure on the season, my QBs have thrown more touchdowns to the other team than they have to ours. It’s not all on them though as our receivers have had a lot of drops…Those guys couldn’t catch aids in Africa. So thank you Ralph Bolden.

    Dick: Well ok… It’s time for our second intermission so you guys sit back and don’t go anywhere…Not that those of you living in fucking South Dakota have anywhere to go anyway.

    2nd Intermission
     
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  7. fuzzyl0gic

    fuzzyl0gic No new friends

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    Good shit so far JQwon13 , thanks for writing this up.
     
  8. DirtycashDylan

    DirtycashDylan I came here to scheme and chew bubblegum...

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    Go fuck yourselves.
     
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  9. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    It just didn't seem right leaving you off this.
     
  10. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Dick: Alright we’re back and sad to say the night is coming to a close. But we’ve got a few awards left to give out so the fireworks aren’t done just yet! Speaking of fireworks, we’re moving on the award for the team setting off those offensive fireworks. This next award is for the Best Offensive Scheme. Sorry Kasper, this is for best offense, not most offensive. But if it makes you feel any better, you did receive one vote for that joke of an offense you run. Cougars and Redd would also receive a vote each. But this one would come down to our two national title contenders. Natural and PhilStyle prove that defense doesn’t win championships, offense does. And this tight vote came down to a 4-3 vote. And in the end, the winner for the Best Offensive Scheme was….




    The Natural!

    Dick: We should be hearing from him later for his victory speech for the best offense. But for now, we flip over to the other side of the ball, just like CoachRedd’s mom. Don’t get defensive though Redd because this award is going to do that for you. This award goes to the team with the Best Defensive Scheme.
    Dick: Tough to play good defense in a league like this with so many good offenses, but somehow some of the coaches managed to do just that. The votes were spread around to The Natural, Fuzzy, Oshiomogho, Kasper, Philstyle, Cougars and GWill. However, one coach would get the 3 votes needed to win this award and that coach is….




    Kasper!!

    Dick: Congratulations to him as this is the most exciting accomplishment in South Dakota since Mt. Rushmore! We’ll be expecting a full victory speech from him later. But now we move on to our final award this evening.
    Dick: Unfortunately all good things must come to an end and while this awards show is far from good, it must come to an end as well. But while this season has come to a close, we look forward to a new and exciting season. And what better way to finish the awards than to end with the Bright Future award. This award is given to the coach who others expect to make a move next year and be a force in the upcoming years. Once again the voting was interesting here as some of the coaches in this league are clearly retarded. FNG UofCWildcat grabbed a vote here despite losing his only game so far against a 1-10 Miami squad. And even more puzzling was the Boston College program getting a vote here despite that job being vacated by Coach Tschetter. But the award for Bright Future goes to……




    PNC!! JQwon!! Cougars!! And Kasper!!

    Dick: That’s right! We have a 4-way tie. So many young coaches that people expect big things from. We’ll see if these coaches can prove their voters right. Obviously each one brings something different to the table. PNC struggled this season to a 6-6 finish, but proved his weight in salt on the recruiting trail. JQwon pulled the big upset over Wisconsin and has brought Purdue out of the gutter. Cougars had the Cavaliers in the top 15 this season after playing solid football all season long. And Kasper rode his defense straight into the ACC championship game. It will be exciting to see how these programs do this season.

    Dick: Well it’s been a lot of fun here tonight. It’s sad to say goodbye but we must. Don’t forget to tip your waitress…That means you Natural. Feel free to grab a complimentary hooker on the way out. This was a great season here at Orange Crush and this will only build upon things to come! The OC has surpassed the premier leagues and has moved up to Elite Status. It is a league above all others. All hail the OC!

    [Orange fireworks light up the night sky like a symbol. A symbol that The OC is a force to be reckoned with. A symbol that it is here to stay. A symbol of unity amongst its' members. And you almost sense the cold shiver going up the spines of every other dynasties' commish]
     
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  11. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Alright, for those of you that won an award, don't forget to post your victory speech on here!
     
  12. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Here is -Cougars- acceptance speech for winning Most Surprising user...(The rest of you can just post yours on here. You don't have to PM them to me)

    Cougars: Well I would like to say thanks for the award and I would like to thank Perry Jones for the work he did for Virginia as he "Put da team on his back" back to back games and be a Heisman runner up. UVA is coming strong and will be a force to reckon with and one more thing before we go, fuck Wake Forest we will travel to Winston Salem to put our foots up your asses you pussies. COUGARS OUT!
     
  13. fuzzyl0gic

    fuzzyl0gic No new friends

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    Came away empty handed this year, I've either gotta be more nice or a dick...or beat Natty.
     
  14. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Not empty handed...At one point in the show I said you were grabbing dick...so one hand is full.
     
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  15. CoachRedd

    CoachRedd I come through in something real foolish

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    Fucking bravo...despite multiple pot shots at me I couldn't have enjoyed the first annual crushies anymore than I did. Seriously, great shit qwon. Congrats to all the winners and I'm looking folrward to another season in OC.
     
  16. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    LOL, well to be fair I took shots at damn near everybody... That freaking PNC guy never even voted so I had to go after him.
     
  17. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

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    Agreed, this whole thing is awesome qwon and can tell you really put some effort into it. I'll do ny speech when i'm home and not typing on my droid-- yeah we have cell phones up here
     
  18. CoachRedd

    CoachRedd I come through in something real foolish

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    I especially like the subtle jabs you take at people where if you blink you might miss them, but they are right there in plain sight. haha once again..bravo this awards show was dare I say, your best yet.
     
  19. Oshiomogho

    Oshiomogho Donnie Darko

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    [​IMG]
     
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  20. Philstyle3005

    Philstyle3005 Walk On

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    Good stuff Qwon, made for a great read.
     
  21. The Natural

    The Natural Public Enemy #1

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    Cameron Natural Acceptance Speech

    I want to thank my fans for all of the awards we received tonight. At Georgia Tech we work really hard as a coaching staff in breaking teams down, recruiting the right players and putting our best players in the position to make plays.

    This year was definitely not as much as a cake walk as our last BCS Championship. We had some stumbles and even took a loss, but it only made our guys pull together closer. We overcame the I-Gun, aggressive strips, and even hillbilly racists this season but we reached our goals despite of these obstacles.

    We are building something special here at Georgia Tech and I'm glad all of the fans can appreciate that.

    Thanks for you support and make sure you all pickup a copy of my upcoming bestseller:

    "Sweep the Leg: How to Win and Not Apologize for it."


    and don't forget...


    DYNASTY!
     
  22. hornfaninbama

    hornfaninbama GT: BulgyTexas

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    I hope bobos lg breaks in half
     
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  23. UofCWildcat

    UofCWildcat Bear Down!

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    Where did he end up going? I cut out because of the fucking dashboard update (which i have to say is pretty fucking gay)
     
  24. hornfaninbama

    hornfaninbama GT: BulgyTexas

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    He thought it would be better getting blowjobs from nerdy engineers than hot blondes at Nebraska. He didn't listen when I told hime the smart ones may know what they're doing, but the dumb ones make up for it with enthusiasm.
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2011
  25. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Enthusiasm is key....
     

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