The 2017 Hardies!

Discussion in 'The Dirty Dozen' started by JQwon13, Apr 1, 2011.

  1. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2nd annual Hardies awards show! It's been a whole season since the last one but it feels like it has only been a few weeks. So much has happened since last years show. It's good to see that all the coaches from last year should once again be in attendance with the exception of UAB coach Jkyle. We're not sure on why he won't be here, but there are rumors of overusing porn.

    However, I believe there no better place to start the show than with the recent news of H4Y moving to Premier Status for next year. I wonder how many blowjobs DirtyCash had to give to accomplish that one? And who he paid off to turn their head on The Qwon being accepted? But lets not dwell on the negative, H4Y with its' outstanding group of coaches is on to the premier leagues!

    Well anyway, lets see if we can get a quick word from some of the coaches and players as they make their way into the building.

    Ah, there's the league's newest coach, CoachRedd. Redd would you mind letting go of Ray Fisher's dick long enough to hold the microphone for an interview?

    Redd: I suppose so.

    Well Coach, obviously you were quite popular here last year. You had your head held high and a spring in your step after an incredible season in which you took the Blue Raiders to a 5-3 conference record and a bowl game. This year, you were unable to win a single conference game. What went wrong and what's the plan going forward?

    Redd: Well, obviously it was a tough year. I think we enjoyed a little too much success too early. This is still a big rebuilding project here, but it's one that I think we can accomplish. Our offense struggled to control the game this year. That's why next year we will be moving to some sort of variation of the wishbone.

    Interesting, well Ray, you obviously had a great year. What's in the future for you?

    (tosses mic to Ray, which Ray drops and then picks up)

    Ray: Well it was a great year and I'm really hoping to be inducted into the very prestigous H4Y HOF. Obviously the NFL isn't really an option for me, but I'm hoping to get a coaching job right here at MTSU.

    Good luck to both of you and thanks for your time. Here comes coach Snoopy.

    (Snoopy walks by with tears streaming down his face)

    Actually, lets talk to him later. He didn't quite have the dream season he was hoping for.

    (Two cars come screeching down the steet racing each other towards the building before the Black and Yellow car swerves in front of a blue and yellow car as they come to a screeching halt in front of the building.)

    Wow, what in the world is going on here.

    (Coach Hammerhead emerges from the black and yellow car as coach Qwon gets out of the other obviously displeased)

    Qwon: You son of a fucking bitch! You only beat me here cuz you told me I had to stop at that redlight. You redneck asshole!

    Hammer: Fuck you douchebag! I beat you here last year and I'll beat you here again next year!

    (Both men storm into the building)

    Alright well lets catch up with somebody less likely to hit me. Wait, is that Dirtycash over there behind that bush?

    (camera pans over to see Coach Dirtycash feverishly masturbating behind a bush to a piece of paper. He finishes quickly and goes inside.)

    Well, we might as well investigate as to what it was. Hmm, that's odd. This paper is just a notice that H4Y has been accepted into the premier leagues.

    Centech: Hey, you guys done with that paper cuz I got next.

    How this league is now premier is beyond me. But here's coach Steamer and former USU quarterback Dennis Brewster! Dennis, what do you have going on now?

    Brewster: I signed with the Redskins and right now I'm the 3rd string quarterback for them makin that paper.

    Well what brings you here tonight?

    Brewster: I'm here for my mother fuckin plaque. How these mutha fuckas gon deny me a HOF induction? You know how many yards I threw for at USU? You know how much time I put in to my football career? Aint shit else to do in Utah! They don't even like black people there except for Coach Steamer. So I'll be here til I get my trophy!

    Well ya know what, lets just go ahead and get these awards started before this shit show gets any worse.

    In honor of H4Y moving to premier league, we have a special guest here to announce the winners of each category! Please welcome, the greatest member ever of H4Y, Mr. Fuzzyl0gic!

    (The whole arena erupts in cheers. Except for Dirtycash who remains seated)

    Now we'll get started with 3 awards that shouldn't be big surprises. The first 3 will be, Best Overall User, Biggest Surprise team, and Most Disappointing team. Alright Fuzzy, kick it off!

    Fuzzy: Hey everybody, it's great to be here. I just wanted to say thank you to those that invited me and tell Dirtycash to go fuckhimself.

    The winner of Best Overall User goes to....

    Coach Nikpin of Western Michigan!

    Well a big congrats to coach Nikpin as he wins the award two years in a row. Another undefeated season as he turned this vote into a landslide winning it 9-2 with DirtyCash managing to swipe a couple of votes.

    This next vote was a landslide as well as we go back to Fuzzy!

    Fuzzy: The next award for Biggest Surprise team goes to...

    Coach Blonderedhead of Arkansas State!

    Well no surprise on the biggest surprise. After struggling mightily the last couple of seasons to remain a middle of the road team, Ark St came out with a vengeance this season and dropped the hammer on the Western Division. In fact, the Indians only regular season losses were a 3-point sim loss to UL Monroe, a heartbreaking 31-28 loss to Nikpin and a 38-14 throttling at the hands of The Qwon. The real question will be if he can build upon this success for next year. Blonde took this one down easily with a vote of 9-2 as both JKyle and Dirtycash grabbed a vote.

    And now to our 3rd category and one of the least popular. After Coach Steamer took down the award last year, only two coaches would receive votes this year. Both coaches Redd and Snoopy didn't quite have the year that they had hoped for, but which one will take down this award?

    Fuzzy: The award for the Most Disappointing team goes to...

    Coach Snoopy of UL Lafayatte!

    Not sure that congratulations are in order, but it seems to be a well deserved award. The Ragin Cajuns appeared to have the most talented team heading into this season, but things quickly went south. After getting destroyed at the hands of Idaho, ULaLa was looking to prove that game was a fluke, but it would only get worse as they would drop their next 3 conference games as well agains Western Kentucky, Ark St and Kent St. The Ragin Cajuns were never able to right the ship but thanks to strong non-conference play, they will still be bowling.

    We will now head to a short commercial break, but when we return, we find out the winners of the next three awards.

    Will Qwon repeat as biggest douche? Or will Redd and Steamer have a shot to take him down?

    Who has the best offense in the league? Nik, DirtyCash and Steamer all received at least 3 votes, but who had enough votes to win?

    And who had the best defense? Qwon took the title last year, but he, Nik and DirtyCash were in a tight running this year.

    Stay tuned to find out!
     
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  2. Bl0ndeRedHead

    Bl0ndeRedHead Official TSO Pothead

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    What is this intermission shit? This ain't the Oscars we don't need 5 hours for these awards
     
  3. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    And we're back! Don't worry folks, you didn't miss anything during the break other than a small squabble between the coaches from the East and the West. Obviously it wasn't much of a fight as the East coaches had little trouble reminding the West coaches of their place. Even Coach Crumb joined in on the trash talk despite being in a wheelchair as a result of his latest sexual exploits.

    But no back to the main event. Let's find out who takes down the award for the biggest douche! The Qwon really seemed to coast after winning the award last year. But then he really seemed to hit his stride after his week 3 matchup against Hammerhead. Would it be enough? Or would DirtyCash, Redd or Steamer pull the upset?

    Fuzzy: The award for the Biggest Douche User goes to....

    Coach Qwon of Kent State!

    Redd, DirtyCash and Steamer made their efforts including one vote which was for "Redd and his Ray Fisher dickriding". Each of them were able to pull 2 votes a piece, but in the end Qwon got the 5 votes he needed for sweet sweet victory in this category!

    Now we move on to a category that is a little less insulting and a little more offensive (see what i did there?). The award for the best offensive scheme! This vote was a great one considering that it was not only as close as can be, but also between three different coaches. Let's go to Fuzzy for the results!

    Fuzzy: And the winner for the best offensive scheme is....

    A tie!

    That's right! We have our first ever tie in the long and illustrious history of the Hardies! In the end, Steamer grabbed a very impressive three votes, but would come up short as both Nik and DirtyCash would grab 4 each as they are now co-winners of the award.

    But before they get too defensive about their title (see I did it again!), let's move on to the next category for best Defensive Scheme. Blonde would receive one vote here, but the powers of the East, DirtyCash, Nik and Qwon all received multiple votes. Let's find out who would take it down.

    Fuzzy: The winner for the best Defensive Scheme goes to....

    Coach Nik of Western Michigan!

    Not a real big surprise given his success however, he barely got any votes for offense or defense last season so it's nice to see him get his due. In the end, Nik received 4 votes, barely edging out DirtyCash's 3 votes and the 2 for Qwon.

    We'll go to commercial but when we get back we go on to our next 3 categories.

    Who is most likely to make a big jump next season? Are Snoopy and Redd poised to bounce back? Or will it finally be Crumb's time.

    Who is the friendliest user? Hammer was last year, but we finally saw his darker side in week 3. Will he repeat or will we take a trip over the friendly rainbow with Crumb or AJ?

    And who is the luckiest user? Who's cheddar is the freshest? Will it be Blonde, Nik or Qwon?

    Stay tuned for a word from our sponsor...

    [​IMG][​IMG]

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  4. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Hey Douchehead, you see how long this shit is? It takes a while to type...How bout a thank you
     
  5. DirtycashDylan

    DirtycashDylan I came here to scheme and chew bubblegum...

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    I'm fucking rolling over here. bwahahahaha
     
  6. DirtycashDylan

    DirtycashDylan I came here to scheme and chew bubblegum...

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    Greatest post of all time, IMHO.
     
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  7. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    I thought you'd enjoy our sponsor ;)

    Btw, don't forget...If you won an award, I expect you to make an acceptance speech.
     
  8. Bl0ndeRedHead

    Bl0ndeRedHead Official TSO Pothead

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    You're the first person ever to spend a lot of time on a content piece. /sarcasm

    Just type it all out and release it at once.

    Me upset because of anticipation is enough of a thank you for now. And thanks for capitalizing Douchehead, at least someone around here shows me some respect.
     
  9. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    And we're back. During the commercial break, security had to remove coach BlondeRedHead after he removed his pants and started doing inappropriate things with a potato which he claimed was Miss Arizona.

    Meanwhile, we still have some awards to hand out! Starting with the user most likely to make a big jump next season. The coaches here should feel very honored as their colleagues feel that they can accomplish more than they showed us this year. While Steamer won the award last year, his mediocre year this season seemed to have dropped his credibility as he received only one vote. Meanwhile, Crumb, Snoopy, Hammerhead and Redd were all neck and neck. But three of these coaches only received 2 votes while the other coach received the necessary 3 to win it. Let's see who takes home the hardware!

    Fuzzy: In a very tight race, the winner for Most Likely to make a big jump next season goes to.......


    ......


    (American Idol esque long pause to heighten anticipation)

    ....


    Coach Snoopy of UL Lafayette!

    Congratulations to coach Snoopy, although I have to say that I'm surprised it was such a close race. I would have expected Snoopy to stuff the ballot box and win by at least 70 votes.

    But that's not very friendly of me, so let's move on to the user considered to be the most friendly in the league. This one has a lot of the same faces as Hammerhead looks to repeat and beat out Crumb and AJ. Shockingly, The Qwon didn't receive a single vote. However, several other users did which proves that there are friendly faces around the league. Redd, JKyle, Snoopy and Fever each received one vote as well. But of the other three, one coach got that necessary 3rd vote to beat the two votes received by the others.

    Fuzzy: And the winner for the friendliest user goes to....


    Coach Hammerhead of Army!

    Well congrats to Hammer for taking down this award two years in a row. It appears that his meltdown with Qwon didn't hurt him too much, although it might have actually helped him. But a special kudos to the very friendly Crumb and AJ as well.

    Now it's time to find out which team got the big breaks this season that left their opponents fuming. Fever would receive a vote, but the rest of the votes were spread among Qwon, Blonde and Nik. Who had the most frustrating luck?

    Fuzzy: And the winner for the Luckiest User goes to....


    Coach Nik of Western Michigan!

    Well this one wasn't even close. Qwon and Blonde both grabbed two votes but Nik took down 5 votes to win it. I'm sure he got the votes of the afore mentioned Qwon and Blonde as well. At the end of the game against Blonde, Nik would chunk a 30-yard pass that would be batted back by a defender into the hands of a WMU receiver for the game winning touchdown. Then against Qwon, Kent St was called for a huge holding penalty on the final drive that would turn a big first down into a long 2nd and help win it for the Broncos. Nik, you earned this you cheezin son of a bitch.

    Stay tuned as we'll return with our final 3 categories including the most entertaining along with the two new categories this year.

    Will Qwon's douchiness reamin the most entertaining? Or will his apprentice Redd become the master?

    What was the best topic this year? It could be the music thread. Blonde. Or was it the meltdown that followed the Kent St-Army game?

    And with all this years excitement, which game intrigues you the most next season? Are you ready for a Qwon-Hammer grudge match, or a power shift of Nik-DirtyCash?

    Stay tuned!
     
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  10. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    I actually like doing it in pieces. Thats why at the end of each one, I tell you the upcoming three categories and who is in the running... But if everyone would prefer i just do it all at once, i can change it.
     
  11. Steamer43

    Steamer43 Cleveland Steamer

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    LMFAO! Great shit again @JQwon13 this is great.
     
  12. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    And it's time to wrap things up folks! We're down to our final 3 categories. So let's move to the next one.

    Last year Qwon took down both Biggest Douche and Most Entertaining. This year he's already taken down Biggest Douche. While it's sad that the league finds douchiness entertaining, the members have had a season to age and mature and find humor in a more refined manner. This year receiving votes in this category were, Qwon, Crumb, DirtyCash, Redd and Blonde. Quite the assortment and outside of Crumb, this group just oozes with douchiness. So clearly this league has learned nothing so let's send it to the podium....

    Fuzzy: And the winner for Most Entertaining User goes to....


    The Qwon!

    Well in a group of candidates oozing with douchiness, why not take the King of the douches? Qwon has really seemed to harness his douchiness and brings it to a new level when he loses. Some of the best entertainment this year was provided as a direct result to a Qwon defeat. However, Redd was the only other candidate to get multiple votes as he received two.

    But now on to the new categories! Starting with a very close race for the best topic this season! This one was tight between the music thread and the aftermath of the Qwon-Hammer game. The only other vote was for Steamer's breakdown of next year's dynasty...not sure I understand that vote...

    But on to the award.

    Fuzzy: The winner for the Best Topic this season is....

    ....


    A tie!

    Wow, another tie! Two ties this year. Both of these topics received 5 votes a piece. Clearly the voters couldn't decide what they liked more, Qwon and Hammer swearing and namecalling, or putting somebody's name after everything you write? Once again, the level of humor in this league astounds me.

    But all good things must come to an end and we are at the final award. This one is a look into the future for next season. Which game are people most excited to see? Several matchups got one vote including Nik vs Fever, Qwon vs DirtyCash, Blonde vs Fever and Redd vs DirtyCash. However, it came down to two big matchups. The big matchup of Nik vs DirtyCash which decided the East this season, or the grudge match between Qwon and Hammer that turned nasty this year.

    Fuzzy: And the winner for the final award of Game you're most excited to see is....

    ...


    ....


    Coach Nik and Western Michigan vs Coach DirtyCash and Western Kentucky!

    Congrats to those two coaches. It's nice to see the voters really want to see good football more than a potentially volatile brawl between Kent State and Army.

    Well that caps off our awards here this evening. Let's go back to Fuzzy for final announcements.

    Fuzzy: Thank you to everyone for being here this evening. A few quick closing announcements.

    First off, Dirtycash, go fuck yourself.

    Also, a reminder that JoshuaAdams and Tim Tebow's bible camp starts next week.

    DirtyCash's male revue training will be every other Friday starting in two weeks.

    And don't forget to pre-order The Qwon's new book, "To Douche, or Not to Douche, that is the real question".

    And here is CUFreeze with a few closing comments...

    CU Freeze: Alright look...I just wanna say that Nik is a no good cheezin son of a....

    (DirtyCash puts his hand over Freeze's mouth and the curtains close)
     
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  13. DirtycashDylan

    DirtycashDylan I came here to scheme and chew bubblegum...

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    I like it in pieces personally. Blonde just wants to bitch at you.
     
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  14. Bl0ndeRedHead

    Bl0ndeRedHead Official TSO Pothead

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    Great ending. But I'd like to see the ballots for Best Topic, something smells goofy there
     
  15. DirtycashDylan

    DirtycashDylan I came here to scheme and chew bubblegum...

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    Great stuff. The Qwon delivers again!
     
  16. Full Moon Fever

    Full Moon Fever Champion of Standards

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    Yeah I prefer it in 3 award segments.
     
  17. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Haha, no that was legit, but I did vote for the meltdown thread. I didn't see it as voting for myself as it was a topic. Plus you did vote for the music thread...Not to give your vote away ;)
     
  18. hammerhead1010

    hammerhead1010 Walk On

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    Fuckin nice you douchelick. The one liners had me rolling each segment.

     
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  19. CoachRedd

    CoachRedd I come through in something real foolish

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    @JQwon13 Fuckin bravo...excellent stuff.
     
  20. CoachRedd

    CoachRedd I come through in something real foolish

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    Unfortunately, I have to agree.
     
  21. TheCrumbIsHere

    TheCrumbIsHere Walk On

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    lol. "To douche or not to douche. That is the question. Whether this nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of streak routes and cheese.."

    pfft, this is why I went into teaching Math.

    Nice work sir.
     
  22. johngalt11

    johngalt11 Walk On

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    Very funny dude.
     
  23. fuzzyl0gic

    fuzzyl0gic No new friends

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    @JQwon13

    This is gold, how did I miss it? Nice job.
     
  24. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Really not sure how you missed it considering you hosted it...You must have been high off your ass to not remember it...
     
  25. fuzzyl0gic

    fuzzyl0gic No new friends

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    Yeah it was a hell of a night. You started me off with whiskey so I'd end up telling DCD to go fuck himself.
     

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