The First Annual Dirties!!

Discussion in 'The Dirty Dozen' started by JQwon13, Aug 16, 2012.

  1. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    [Screen opens up as the camera looks down from a helicopter to an abandoned warehouse. Cares are park haphazardly all around it. There are no big spotlights, no red carpet and no signs of any kind that this may be a huge ceremony and awards show. The camera switches to another on the ground displaying the all too familiar face of Dick Harding, former host of The Hardies and The Crushies]

    [​IMG]

    Dick: Ladies and Gentlemen, can you believe it?!? We are finally back! The boys are back in town today! We're celebrating our first year of The Dirties together! The old gang is here and ready to stir up some trouble again. It's great to see The Qwon reunited back DirtycashDylan and the way they hugged it out, just brought a tear to my eye. We had a great first season and a surprising winner who was able to rise 'high' above the rest. Speaking of which, here he comes now. Bl0ndeRedHead , everyone was so happy to see you were able to maintain a residence long enough to last through the season and actually win a championship. How does it feel?

    Blonde: Man, you know...You just gotta take what the defense gives you bro...

    Dick: Well, isn't that lovely. I've done better interviews with a camel. We should get the opportunity to interview plenty of the coaches as they're all expected to be here with the exception of recchem2000 , who will most likely not be able to show up to close to midnight just so he keep The Qwon up late.

    [Swearing and bottles being thrown against walls can be heard from inside]

    Dick: Don't worry about the ruckus folks, that's to be expected from this group. Only an idiot would come to this thing and expect something different. Here's a few more coaches walking up....

    [Coaches BPHusker , Kasper , CoachRedd , Philstyle3005 and fuzzyl0gic all walk in the front door. Moments later all 5 walk right back out with frightened expressions, get back in their car and drive away. Before the car gets out of sight, it stops and one person hops out and comes jogging back. Once he gets close, he is identified as Fuzzy.]

    Dick: Hey Coach Fuzzy, why'd you decide to come back?

    Fuzzy: Eh, I figured, what could a few drinks hurt?

    Dick: Yeah you're probably right. Have a nice night. Now I'm sure all of you viewers out there are probably wondering why we're having our illustrious award ceremony here in an abandoned warehouse at an undisclosed location. Well unfortunately it would seem that some of the members of the league now have bounties on their heads to become ex-communicated from the league by NCAA President Shaun Mason after may semi-racial slurs were used including Nigerans and Canadians. In a related matter, Coach -Cougars- is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for not shooting one of these racist crackers. It doesn't hurt with a black man in power as commissioner, Steamer43 . His fantastic job as commissioner ranks right up there with Nixon and Clinton.

    [Up walks Coach nikpin ]

    Dick: Hey Coach, good to see you here tonight. How were your holidays?

    Nik: They were good, thanks.

    Dick: Yeah it must have been nice to not have to worry about practicing for a bowl game. But hey, winning is overrated. Look at Coach Full Moon Fever , he made it to the championship game and he's still the same prestige as your non-bowl game playing ass.

    Nik: (y)


    Dick: And here is Coach DirtycashDylan and his lovely...err date. Yikes.

    [DC asks his date to get him a beer and she takes off sprinting for the bar.]

    Dick: Geez DirtyCash, do you see how ugly your date is overall?

    Dylan: You're too hung up on her looks overall....Look how fast she is getting me that beer!

    [The date runs back holding a smirnoff ice. DirtyCash's face contorts in anger as he grabs her and headbutts her Chad Johnson style. He walks inside, as a couple of his players load the girl into the trunk of the car.]

    [​IMG]

    Dick: Alright, well let's just go ahead and move inside before we got charged as accessories.

    [Dick steps up onto the poorly made stage and to the uneven podium]

    Dick: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, Coaches from around the league.... Welcome, to the first annual Dirties!! Now obviously most of you have been to similar award shows that I've hosted and this will be much the same. Plenty of swearing, fighting, drinking and drug abuse to go around. Before we get started I'd like to thank our sponsors Chick-Fil-A for catering our event tonight. Big thanks to them, but if you feel eating a chicken sandwich makes you a bigot, then feel free to try the salad bar fellas.

    [​IMG]


    Dick: Now this league here, it was founded on the principles of douchebaggery. It was advanced through the art of douching and the members are primarily douchebags. Because of that, there could be nowhere better to start our show off, than with our first award, The Douchiest User! Now this award is quite the accomplishment in a league like this. Several of these Coaches have long impressive careers of being a douche. The Qwon made quite the name for himself as a repeat winner, but somehow did not receive a single vote here tonight. And so we move on to our two finalists, Fuzzy and IrishBearcat . But with a final tally of 8 to 1, the winner of Douchiest User is....


    IrishN!!!


    Irish: What?!? How can I win? That's bullshit. It's impossible for me to win this award. It's in the fucking rules. I just went and rechecked and it's in our league rules. I cannot win this award the first year.

    Dick: I'm sorry Irish, but I'm afraid you can....

    Irish: No, you idiot, I can't. Call me up to the podium. I won't come up there, but call me up. Fuck you, I'm leaving. I won't stay in this building one more minute.

    [Irish gets up and storms to the back of the room]

    Dick: Alright well as I was saying, always an interesting award....

    [Irish can still be heard yelling and arguing in the back and clearly has not left.]

    Dick: We'll just have security take care of that, since Steamer apparently isn't going to...

    Dick: Moving on to our next award, let's hope this one goes a little better. This one is on the opposite end of the spectrum. This one is for Friendliest User. This is not an easy thing to come by with some of the dust ups we had this season as well as the rather hostile histories some of these coaches have with each other. But it's nice to see an award like this so we know that some members of this league actually do enjoy some of the other members.

    Dick: Congrats to Fuzzy, Fever and Cougars for all receiving one vote a piece, but this one came down to Recchem and TheCrumbIsHere . Both have been rather pleasant in a league full of hatred. But with a final tally of 5-2, the mad scientist himself mathematically eliminates Recchem and your winner for Friendliest user is...


    Crumb!!


    Dick: Wow, what a class act he is. Has always been a good sport, but this year manages to keep the respect and admiration of his peers even when he's beating them. A real kudos to him. And that kind of kindness trickles down as we saw how nice his Quarterback, Jamaal Meeks was as he gift-wrapped three interception returns for touchdowns to Georgetown safety, Kelechi Greene.

    Dick: Well now that we've looked at the good and the bad, it's time to take a look at the ugly. As has been mentioned several times before, there is a bit of hostility around this league. And this hostility tends to lead to some aggressive interactions. That leads us to our next award, The Two Users most likely to be involved in a Meltdown. Now while this could go to almost any two members of the league, this vote wasn't even close. The Qwon picked up a couple votes with both DirtyCash and Fever involved, but the other 8 votes go to our two winners....


    Fuzzy and IrishN!!!


    Dick: I don't think you're going to see a whole lot of surprise on this one. These two have emulated the aura of this league in douching it to the max. But those two runaway trains have collided before and are sure to collide again.

    Congrats to all our winners thus far. We're going to take a quick intermission, but we'll be back quicker than CoachRedd begging for his spot back.


    First Intermission​
     
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  2. Kasper

    Kasper The Ghost Himself

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    As always, great stuff JQwon13 -- thanks for taggin me so I could check er out. I could have guessed those first three awards!
     
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  3. Steamer43

    Steamer43 Cleveland Steamer

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    LOL

    I always imagine the awards show visually as something like this:

     
  4. Bl0ndeRedHead

    Bl0ndeRedHead Official TSO Pothead

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    This is up there with some of your best work. Like that one other thing you did that was kinda funny that one time
     
  5. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Dick: And we're back! and just as predicted, there's Redd on the league waitlist. He came faster than Fever when his wife is in the mood. Now we all have stuff to do so let's jump right back into the awards.

    There's no surprise on this award as we take a look at this years best topic on the message boards. And while the thread "Replacements" got an odd vote, the overwhelming winner of all the other votes involved our sponsors here tonight....


    The Qwon Game Scheduling Thread!!


    Dick: Yes indeed, that was the thread that blew up to 8 pages over a mere couple of hours. Now obviously, the topic seemed to go just a bit off course, but man did it deliver. While many parts of that thread were very offensive, let's take a look at which team was very offensive this season.

    Yes, that means our next award is for the Best Offensive Scheme. And this is not an easy accomplishment as this league was more defensive than Blonde is about his drug use. Nik and Steamer both garnered a vote, but this was a 3-coach race. It came down to Blonde, Cougars and Fever, all receiving multiple votes. But the winner for the Best Offensive scheme is....


    A Tie!! Fever and Cougars!!


    Both Coaches received 3 votes a piece and will have to share this illustrious award. This award may just be good genetics, considering Fever's dad, these two coaches may be brothers!

    But before anyone starts getting too defensive, let's take a look at who already got defensive on the field. Offense was tough to come by as the defenses around the league were stout this season. Qwon earned a vote for one of the games he stayed the whole time for. But Irish, Crumb, Blonde and Recchem all received multiple votes. In fact, three of those coaches got 2 votes. But which coach received the 3 votes necessary to win this award? Well, the answer to that and the winner for the Best Defensive Scheme is....


    Crumb!!


    Dick: What a move this coach has made up the ranks to take down an award like that. His parents would be so proud if they weren't so ashamed after his sex-crazed days that led to a hospital stay. Can't say enough about that stifling Cornell defense. In it's final game, it kept Georgetown's offense out of the endzone for the entire game.

    But speaking of prestigious awards, lets move on to the big daddy of them all, the Best Overall User. Who wore the big boy pants this season? It was a tight race between Blonde and Fever, but with a 6-4 tally, the winner for the Best Overall User is....


    Blonde!!


    It was a close race, but a well deserved win for this years champion. I think in the end, everyone is just happy and excited to not be crowning Nik with this award. Now hold on to your seat, we're going to take our second intermission before announcing the final three award winners.


    Second Intermission​
     
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  6. Full Moon Fever

    Full Moon Fever Champion of Standards

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    Greatness as usual. You should do spoiler tags for the award winner names so scrolling doesn't give it away; not that those three were suspenseful anyway.
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2012
  7. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Dick: Alright guys, it's getting late and Recchem is sure to show up soon, so let's get this bad boy done. While this night has certainly been anything but disappointing, let's take a look at which users were. Plenty of disappointment to go around with these sorry teams and both Irish and Crumb received a vote here. I'm sure if we let them, Irish's parents would have voted for him as disappointing as well. However, let's stick to the field and our most disappointing teams Nik and DirtyCash.

    As close as it may be between these two, one of them has to be more of a disappointment. And in a final vote of 5 to 3, the winner and biggest disappointment is....


    Nik!!


    Dick: Wow, well it definitely seems that many coaches wanted to get their votes in while they could. But he may make them eat those words soon enough. While his lack of skills were certainly disappointing to him, the brighter side of things were the good surprises around the league. And many teams had a great surprise with their play this season. Recchem, Cougars, Irish and Fever all received a vote, but this one came down to the league champion Blonde and league nice-guy Crumb. And for the Surprising winner, we get a surprising vote as in a 4-2 decision, the voters pull a shocker and don't vote for the champion, your winner is....


    Crumb!!


    Dick: You better move over those science and math trophies, this boy is cleaning up here tonight as he takes down his third award here. He wins the Biggest Surprise User as he was definitely on his game this year thanks to a stingy defense and a grinding option game.

    Dick: Well every new beginning is some other beginning's end. And so we look to the future, and to the team winning the Bright Future Award. And this vote couldn't have been much more widespread. Six members received votes here, but only one took down multiple votes. And that user and winner of this award is, surprise, surprise....


    Nik!!


    The inevitable storm of the Brown Bears may be coming next year, but many users are still hopeful.


    Dick: Well, it's been a lot of fun here tonight. It's definitely been great to see everybody again, but now it's time to let loose and let this party get started! Obviously these parties have led to issues in the past but luckily tonight, we're in a broken-down, abandoned warehouse....so how much damage can we possibly do?

    [​IMG]
     
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  8. Steamer43

    Steamer43 Cleveland Steamer

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    Haha replacements thread was epic, the higher ups had to delete it from the website.
     
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  9. TheCrumbIsHere

    TheCrumbIsHere Walk On

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    "Dick: You better move over those science and math trophies, this boy is cleaning up here tonight as he takes down his third award here. He wins the Biggest Surprise User as he was definitely on his game this year thanks to a stingy defense and a grinding option game."

    An option game that grinded out 300 yards of rushing all year.. lol.

    Thank you for the three awards... it's got to be up there in the best 500 days of my life somewhere.
     
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  10. nikpin

    nikpin Universitas Brunensis

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    I'd just like to state that I was really 4-4 as I missed 4 games.
     
  11. Full Moon Fever

    Full Moon Fever Champion of Standards

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    I claim my record as 7-6.
     
  12. DirtycashDylan

    DirtycashDylan I came here to scheme and chew bubblegum...

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    This is pure excellence.

    and it's bullshit I didn't get any hardware.
     
  13. Full Moon Fever

    Full Moon Fever Champion of Standards

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    Whole thing was excellence.
     
  14. JQwon13

    JQwon13 Walk On

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    Haha, thought you'd like that... I was in the middle of writing it when I was having that discussion with you.
     

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