Week 4: 2 Minute Drill with Chris Berman

Discussion in 'TMFL' started by sawemoff, Apr 29, 2012.

  1. sawemoff

    sawemoff #FearTheBeard

    Dec 29, 2011
    Hello and welcome to today's special edition of the 2 Minute Drill, with your host Chris Berman! Today we are live here in the beautiful city of San Diego. I am sitting here at Qualcomm Conference Center with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. We will be talking about the massive hiring's of athletic trainers, doctors, and injuries occurring in the NFL.
    Chris: Well first off thanks for being on the show today. I hope that you didn't hurt your arms flying in last night. *Smirks at the camera*
    Goodell: *Laughs* Chris you cease to amaze me with your jokes. No I didn't hurt my arms but my neck sure is stiff from the flight. I am happy to be joining you today and discussing the seriousness of injuries.
    Chris: Well you know me, got to keep the fans watching my show! So let's just dive into things shall we?
    Chris: You have really been pushing the NFL research and development team to come up with a helmet to eliminate concussions. It has worked terrifically and we have seen an exponential decrease in the number of concussions players get. I'm pretty sure the players thank you for that. The only problem is now we are seeing other more serious injuries occur. How are you going to solve this serious issue in such a physically demanding sport.
    Goodell: Well you know, these injuries are horrific and the numbers are starting to pile up here in season 2 and we haven't even made it through Week 4! What I am currently proposing is that we bring more doctors and research scientists to compile the list of injuries that have occurred from the past ten years and see which ones are causing the most harm. I can tell you off the top of my head that the broken collarbone's now lead the league in most common injuries. And when you think about it that happens when you get hit violently in the upper chest. The shoulder pads will need to be redesigned and that costs money so the solution is to fine more players for vicious hits. *Looks at camera and smiles* Hey Rodney Harrison.
    Chris: That sounds like a good plan to develop better shoulder pads but doesn't it seem a bit much to fine players even more for vicious hits?
    Goodell: I did get the players to end the strike, didn't I? I also have put an end to NFL defenses everywhere and concocted new rules in favor of the offense. I think fans will thank me.
    Chris: Oooookay, next question.
    Chris: Other than *hand gesture* "vicious hits" why do you think more injuries are happening?
    Goodell: I have had many discussions with our top doctors about this and they believe it has to do with the speed of the game. We are not in the 20th Century anymore. We are stronger, faster, bigger and we can rebuild them! *Looks at audience for reaction* *cricket, cricket* Well you get my point, things have changed drastically in football and right now our technology is well behind the game it is today. We are drastically trying to develop new ways to catch up and we should be there in the next few years.
    Chris: I guess you can say the players will be paying for this advancement in technology. *Chuckles and so does the crowd*
    Goodell: I'm beginning to think that you are not a big fan of my rulings?
    Chris: I'm the one asking the questions here so lets get back on track.
    Chris: The numerous injuries have ranged from dislocated ankles all the way to a DHB's career ending fractured vertebrae. Which was a horrifying sight to see him being carted off and couldn't even give a thumbs up to the crowd. We want to go ahead and say that our thoughts and prayers go out to him, the Raiders and his family. So what I am trying to get at is how are you addressing the coaches and the teams trainers/doctors?
    Goodell: First off, I will be reviewing the tape of the hit and will probably be fining the player $1 Million and a possible suspension. Coach aarondramp you best tell you player that he better get another job to pay off this fine.
    *Chris Berman interrupts*
    Chris: You would fine a player for playing football and actually making a good clean hit.
    Goodell: Like I said I still need to review the tapes to see if it was a malicious hit. But I have emailed all Team Doctors and Coaches to get their players better therapy treatment after the games. We all know about ice tubes, hot tubes, and electro therapy, but we need to find more ways to prepare out players bodies. It may need to happen in the weight room by requiring certain lifts or stretches to be done in each weight session. I can tell you this that the American Medical Association and the NFL are working together to come up with better physical testings to try and stop an injury before it even occurs.
    Chris: Well that sounds pretty futuristic but I guess you have to start somewhere!!!
    Chris: With all of the injuries, you need well qualified trainers. What are some of the incentives you are using in helping teams hire trainers?
    Goodell: You see teams are allowed to hire anyone they want and however many they feel the need too. To be fair the league has actually been firing a lot of trainers and doctors because they are not doing their job right. So right now the incentive is to work with NFL superstars because every team has at least one. Hel... *stops in his tracks* Even the browns have one in Joe Haden.
    Chris: Well don't you think there should be more like benefits?
    Goodell: If it gets to that, then yes we shall add benefits but then how am I going to get my big salary. *Pauses and thinks* That's right more fines!
    Chris: *Shrugs*
    Chris: Let's talk about the season so far. Who do you feel has the best shot to winning it all?
    Goodell: Ah, well it appears to me that Coach HovaTheGodMC and the Lions are doing just fine without Calvin Johnson. Do I think they have a shot? Maybe but I would like to give them the thumbs for possibly winning it all. I would also give Coach bawvu97 and his Baltimore Ravens a close second.
    Chris: The injury to Calvin was sure devastating but I don't know how much further they can go without him but only time will tell.
    Chris: With the time winding down on this interview, we will let some of the audience members ask some questions.
    Audience Member #1: Why are you such a dick?
    Chris: *coughs* Security! Next question please.
    Audience Member #2: You never really answered the question about improving the situation on preventing injuries so would you care to answer it now?
    Chris: Well it looks like we just won't get an answer. Last question.
    Audience Member #3: Chris, I just wanted to say I love your show and things you have done for sports journalism. I want to thank you personally. Now my question to you is when the lockout happened and your salary was cut to $1, how did your wife react?
    Chris: It appears the Goodell is taking the "the cat got you tongue" approach. Well that is all the time we have left so thank you for watching the show and I will see you next week when I give my predictions and thoughts about the freshly new season! Take care and God bless.
    TLDR; Chris Berman rules and Roger Goodell is a dicktator

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